Letters to Jim, November 2023: The Holidays, Relatives, Baseball, Israel and More

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November’s arrival tells me there are just two months left in this year from hell for me. Fifty-eight days are all I have left which is enough time for me to contract leprosy as the icing on the cake I refer to as 2023. However, I will not let that prevent me from answering the many questions on the minds of my readers.

It’s not too early to begin downing eggnog, but I recommend you stick to gin and tonic if you are like me: trying to forget this year ever happened.

Dear Jim,
You claim to be a progressive minded person and yet I have read where you have little tolerance for the use of new pronouns. How can you be progressive if you do not support the LGBQT community and the manner in which their people want to be addressed?
Hurt by Your Remarks

Dear Hurt,

Get over it. I’m not even sure what remarks I made but get over them. When I come across a human being, I just want to know their name. That’s all I need to know. I’d prefer if you wore a name tag because I will most likely forget your name so do not take it personally. You can forget mine as well.

I have no interest in whether he is they or she is them or any other pronouns folks go by. If you look like a female to me, I am going to address you as one. If you aren’t female, do not take it personally. I am not attacking you. Help me out and just tell me your name. When the clerk at the grocery store calls me sir, I simply either ignore the fact I am not that formal or I say, “Please, call me Jim.”

Learning new pronouns does not make you progressive. It only makes you sympathetic to a cause you feel strongly enough about to change how you address others. Personally, I find people who come up with legitimate solutions to real issues like homelessness, income distribution, tax overhaul, and increasing livable wages far more progressive because they end up helping a lot more people in the process.

Dear Jim,
Do you have any thoughts on the demonstrations against Israel and the support for Hamas in our country? Why do you suppose people can actually support what Hamas has done and vilify Israel? It seems idiotic to me.

Dear Perplexed,

No, I am not surprised. Most of this nation has little knowledge of our own history so why would we expect them to grasp the history of other regions of the world? Ignorance is a tool used by manipulators to sway public opinion. In this case, pro-Hamas demonstrations are used to make Israel look to be at fault for what has happened.

You can be pro-Palestinian and demand the people of Gaza receive the aide they desperately need without being pro-Hamas or even anti-Israel. Palestinians want self-rule which is not something they have because of Israel’s unwillingness to allow it. Hamas wants to use the Gaza Strip as a launching pad for terrorist strikes on Israel and falsely promised to deliver self-rule to the Palestinian people who voted for them. Consequently, the rise of Hamas in Gaza forced Israel to take on a more hardline approach when dealing with the Gaza Strip.

Given that the average college student can’t find their term paper let alone where Gaza lies on a map, it is easy to see how they are susceptible to anti-Israel rhetoric and into thinking if they support Hamas, they are supporting Palestinians. They are not. They are supporting a terrorist organization that has forced the Palestinian people to live in fear of their rule.

Palestinians would be much closer to self-rule if there was no threat of their state being used as a terrorist haven. Until then, they will never find any common ground with Israel and build enough trust with them to see Gaza become recognized as a nation.

Dear Jim,
My kids do not want to travel to see relatives during the Thanksgiving or Christmas holidays. It’s turning into a major war in our house, and I am low on ammunition. Can you provide me with an argument that will convince them to see things my way?
Desperate as Hell

Dear Desperate,

Sorry, but I am going to side with your kids on this. Asking your kids to put on their best holiday faces is pointless, especially when it involves travel. Believe it or not, your kids would rather be left alone to sleep in till all hours, text friends who are having to visit relatives, and not be reminded they are related to anyone.

They’d let you know if they wanted to visit family and their speaking out against it is not nearly as bad as demonstrating against Israel in their war with Hamas. Your siblings, the aunts and uncles to your children, are probably a bit too creepy for your kids. Their cousins, if only seen during the winter holidays, are strangers to them.

Now, if you are all used to getting together each year because you live near one another, a one-night visit for a family meal is not the end of the world. However, when it involves having to give up your room so your aunt or uncle can sleep in your bed, that’s just too much for any kid to grasp.

Suck it up and do what everyone in your extended family is desiring and tell all of them you are staying home to celebrate the birth of baby Jesus with just your family. Everyone will be relieved and wish they had spoken up years ago.

Dear Jim,
How would you best describe the average American to a foreigner, so they understand just how bleak our nation’s future is?
Worried for US

Dear Worried,

I would explain to any foreigner that Americans are deeply concerned about Israel because we believe they are at war with Humus.

Dear Jim,
When my parents died, they left me nothing and gave all their money to my siblings. My siblings won’t talk to me or invite me to family functions and now my own children refuse to acknowledge my existence. How can I remedy the situation before it is too late?
Broken Hearted

Dear Broken Hearted,

Cheer up. You never have to attend any family functions and the money you save on gifts should pay for some nice vacations every year. Live it up!

Dear Jim,
Can you think of any reason why we should send people to space? It seems we would be wiser to invest in saving this planet before we go looking to settle other ones. Am I wrong? Why explore space?
Planet Lover

Dear Planet Lover,

Maybe we would improve our planet if we loaded spaceships with the most despicable criminals on earth. Rather than using tax dollars to pay for endless court appeals, just send them off into space on a one-way trip. Even if they perish in a launch pad accident, we still get our money’s worth.

By the way, this is the sort of outside the box thinking our education system crushes.

Dear Jim,
You mentioned you do not have a television. What are you relying on for entertainment if you are not watching ball games like a real man? You don’t seriously watch some woman making recipes from dollar store purchases, do you? Did someone lop off your man berries?
Disappointed In You

Dear DIY,

Yes, I do enjoy the videos on “Emmymade.” I also enjoy watching the construction of jungle dwellings by some nameless Asian woman who I hope to employ to build me an affordable home here in California.

However, recently, I have been binge watching the funniest show on YouTube called Who Wants To Be Speaker of the House? Each week, a different idiot tries to convince over 200 other idiots to select him to be their leader. Think of it as the blind leading the blind while the sane sit back and laugh at all the ways they screw things up. Essentially, if it is a loser who seeks to lead other losers toward a cliff and then volunteers to jump first. You’d be surprised at how many follow his lead.

Unfortunately, no one dies because at the bottom of the cliff is this gigantic orange faced crybaby who enjoys providing a soft-landing pad for any leaper who enjoys planting themself face first in his ass.

Dear Jim,

Why do you have a problem with the Major League Baseball season and their playoffs? The more teams that get in creates more fan interest. I think you would find that a good thing.

Dear, Perplexed,

MLB has a 162-game regular season that takes six months to play. I think that is plenty of time to figure out who the two best teams were over that period. Instead, this year the Arizona Diamondbacks are one of the two teams playing in the World Series and they only had the 13th best record in all of baseball.

I am opposed to expanding the playoffs in any professional sport because it just renders the regular season to being not much more than what preseason or spring training used to be. What I am in favor of is relegation which takes the worst teams and drops them into a lower-level league. I would also get rid of the in-season trade deadlines that are used to dump salaries by bad teams and pad the rosters of good teams.

As they are now, professional sports hold little interest in me until the post season begins and the games actually matter.

Texas Rangers Manager Bruce Bochy (Claudia Gestro)

Dear Jim,
Every month it seems you are asked a question about Trump’s poll numbers and how they compare to Joe Biden’s anemic numbers. Is there anything other than poll numbers we can look toward to convince us Trump won’t be our next POTUS?
Terribly Concerned

Dear TC,

I agree, Biden’s numbers continue to lag and Trump’s hold firm. However, this only looks at numbers in terms of voter preference. There is another set of numbers that must be considered when picking who wins in a two-way race and in this scenario, Trump’s numbers rise while Biden’s remain steady in a good way.

Each month that passes, the number of people employed by Trump who plead guilty to crimes connected to Donny rise. As they rise, so do the number of plea deals these guilty folks strike and sooner or later, Trump will be the lone piece in a jigsaw puzzle of crimes that leave him looking at prison.

Now that Trump’s lawyers and top advisors are flipping, it is just a matter of time before he is left with just himself and that dye dripping Rudy G. It’s a much larger version of how investigators went after Lance Armstrong. Eventually, his most loyal riders flipped which was when Lance had his come to Jesus moment. Look for the same with Trump, only you can replace Jesus with Satan.

Dear Jim,
Why do you have a problem with Taylor Swift? So, she dates a professional football player and attends his games. Big deal. She is just being supportive of her man. This is a Swift world, and you may want to jump on board swiftly before you are left behind.
Swifter for Life

Dear Swifter,

I admit I do not see or hear what is all that great about Swiftless. In my eyes, she represents all that is wrong with country music and how it sold its soul and has become not much more than bubble gum pop. But that is just her music.

Since you brought up appearance, I feel entitled to add my two cents on hers. She is a bean pole with bright lips and a guitar, but she ain’t no beauty. In fact, if my editor places a photo of her next to Travis Kelce’s previous girlfriend, I am confident more people will find Swifter left in the dust. However, love is blind, and for all I know, Travis may well have a case of CTE clouding his judgment.

But none of that strikes at the true crux of my anti-Taylor feelings. What they all come down to is she is using Travis for her own gains and that is such a cheap way to treat a man. Now if you will excuse me, I need to go take a look at my favorite new website, WhoresAreUs which only objectifies women the way objectifying was meant to be.

Chiefs TE and major Swifty Travis Kelce (Claudia Gestro)

Monthly Prediction: I will admit, I almost forgot this part and now regret adding it to my fan mail. Here goes. This month will see mass protests hit the streets across America over the use of the term Black Friday because of its racist connotation. It will be replaced with Plastic Friday since most Americans run up a gigantic credit card bill.

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In overwhelming fashion, on November 1 the Texas Rangers defeated the Arizona Diamondbacks in five games, winning 11 straight postseason road games to do it. It is the first World Series title for the Rangers and the second time shortstop Corey Seager was named the World Series MVP. He is one of only two players who have won that title with two different teams, the first being the Los Angeles Dodgers. The other player was Reggie Jackson who did it with the Oakland Athletics and the New York Yankees.

Rangers SS and World Series MVP Corey Seager (Claudia Gestro)