“A heavier task could not have been imposed
Than to speak my griefs unspeakable.” – William Shakespeare
After getting off the phone with you earlier today I wanted to write you a bitter message, without completely cutting the line between us that has been tied back together, over and over again. Instead, I have nothing but gratitude towards you, when earlier, (for a second) I was OK with never seeing you again. I still have hope even when there is no chance.
In my delusion, my thoughts raced all over the scale. What if we are alive in another part of space? I don’t mean having a twin, but something that is every part of who we really are. It is us, copied from the number of hairs on our bodies to the neurons in our brain. Maybe we exist at this moment near another star, in another galaxy, universe or dimension. Maybe we are multiplied; maybe we are one of trillions in space and time, like the 37 trillion cells that construct our body. Perhaps I am with you in this very instant somewhere out there.
What if the relationships we experience in this life are similar to stars colliding? The impact of a relationship with someone ignites a force that radiates; some last longer and more intense than others. Then, zenith falls to a fizzle and our energies untangle.
We proceed onto to the next encounter with another light and so on, until our light goes out and we transform into something else. I want to believe our energy never completely dies, it just changes into something greater (“Einsteinism” I guess). I have experienced a lifetime of emotions in this relationship I have occupied with you. This encounter has reshaped who I am, in a very deep and lasting way. Yet, my energy still burns for you.
The time we have spent together this past 22 months has been the most awakening time of my life! In the past, I have always been aware of my emotions. I am old enough to have accumulated some life experience, in both tragedy and triumph. But since I have met you, this love has not only motivated me to explore more of who I am, it has also made me face the biggest fears I didn’t want to challenge at the time.
You have urged me to dig even deeper into myself. You have shown me so much of the world and revealed a more profound me. You made me look at the interior of my heart, with all the cracks and holes, and undertake the repairs necessary through writing.
At first I got mad at you for saying some of the things you said that made me look inward and question myself, but underneath that anger I was thankful. You gave me the topic of “Love in a Bipolar World” and you have been the second pair of eyes I have trusted throughout this exploration. Thank you for being my guide in all of this!
Now, all I have is my writing, your memory and your talks to encourage me even more. I will write ‘til I have nothing left in me. I am eager to examine further into my subconscious and discover more about me through my scripting and recording the emotions that make me feel uncomfortable. I have to do this if I want to grow as an artist, go full frontal nudity in my writing and my comedy. The greatest tasks are ahead of me in the few weeks; please keep your fingers crossed for me.
I would like to think we are together in this moment somewhere out there in space … yeah, I would really like to think that. I have faith I am with you in my blissful hopeful imagination against the “distorted reality.”
Maybe there is a bigger picture my human eyes can’t see right now.
Love Always —
Your Hand Full
All Photos by Danny Keaton
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Disclaimer: This blog is not a help guide. I am NOT a doctor, nurse, therapist or a counselor. I am just your average-abnormal person who lives with bipolar 2.
Thank you for reading my blog.
There are people out there that want to help you. I wish you all the best on your journey to recovery, and get ready for the ride of your life!
For more information call NDMDA Depression Hotline Support Group at (800) 826-3632, U.S. Suicide Hotline at (800) 784-2433, or contact your nearest county hospital’s mental health unit.
Danny Keaton is a national touring comedian who lives in Los Angeles. He is also a writer, lover and a bastard with Bipolar disorder. Danny is your average person with a mental illness seeking redemption and a non-religious spiritual salvation through love and self-acceptance. Many times he is not aware when highs and lows kick in; to him it is part of his distorted reality. Check out Danny’s website at www.DannyKeatonComedy.com or follow him on www.Twitter.com/DannyKeaton