Love in a Bipolar World: When love gets sick

She and I have gone back and forth since August of 2012, breaking up, and getting back together.  In March of 2013, I left the comfort and security of Dallas – Fort Worth, Texas and moved to L.A.

We have kept a long distance relationship via Skype and frequent visits, sometimes a week, sometimes a month. She flies out to Los Angeles, I take the bus to Dallas. I have been in euphoria with this woman and heartbroken at the same time. I have walked down Hollywood Blvd with my head hung low like an aspiring actor who can’t seem to catch a break. I have been single for over 19 years of my adult life; I have had many relationships.

Some hurt when you walk away, some take no effort to turn the page. I have been crushed a few times too … that familiar gut-wrenching feeling as I walk away with that 80’s song playing in my head “Here I go again on my own…going down the only road I’ve ever known!”

With this older woman the pain is different. Every time we break up, the hurt I feel is a cold sensation that starts in my head and sinks down through my body. I feel that she reels me in just to throw me away.

For example, in her bed I have heard her say, in the drunkenness of post climax, “Run away with me to Santa Fe.”  I’m like, “Hell yeah, let’s go!”  She replies, “Hold on, I didn’t mean now.” (And she’s thinking, “or anytime in the distant future,” I suspect.)

Another time she said, “I love you and always want you … now go check the bus schedule and see when the next bus is leaving Dallas.” So I did just that. As I boarded the Greyhound later that night, I just curled up on the back row of the bus, emotionally bruised and numb. As we pulled out of the station I lay down and closed my eyes; I didn’t want to see Dallas. I took a Xanax and some Tylenol PM, as I didn’t want to be awake as I traveled through Texas back to California. In her defense, the pain I’ve gone through is nothing compared to what I put her through.

Because of our different goals, scars we have accumulated, and our age difference, she is now moving in an opposite direction. However, our hearts and minds are still tangled. I still want her. She made the deepest impression on me. Simply put: she made me feel.

We loved each other more than anything and because of it, I hurt. My sexy older woman took me into her den and ate me piece by piece; it was slow and painful … for both of us. Watch out boys, this cougar is a sexual predator and she’s a Man-eater, she is what Hall and Oates were talking about.

Tonight as I write this, I stand on her balcony alone at 1 am.  This is the balcony where we talked about the world all hours of the night and at times would erupt into spontaneous love-making. We touched each other’s mind in a profound way.

Our bond is the deep love, telling each other secrets we never told anyone and the amazing physical encounters that would sometimes last all day. It’s why when we are together we never get anything done. We isolate ourselves from the rest of the world for days. The glue that holds this together is our strong uncontrollable attraction for each other. Now she wants to go gluten free.

Being in a relationship is tough for everyone, I’m sure. Everyone has their thing, their baggage, their issues, etc. For me, having bipolar creates several challenges in itself. From what I have experienced in my past relationships, my impulsiveness has been the biggest killer so far.

Being unable to control my emotions has caused me to react in ways that set off bombs that completely destroy any chance of a salvageable friendship. The medication has helped me and has made a considerable difference. Sure I still have my strong emotions, but I am not so quick to react.

I still love this older woman with all my heart and as it stands now, we are friends, best friends. I owe her everything. We are cultivating a close friendship and we don’t deny that we are still very attracted to each other. Now, though, I have to work on myself for myself to become a better person, but first I have to dig myself out of this hole and make amends to society and to everything and everyone I have screwed up.

This weekend I have five shows at a comedy club. I’m pumped about doing my new material that went well with the Valentine weekend shows. I hope she will be in the audience.

Danny Keaton: Stand-up comedian – Writer – Lover – Bastard.