Mancation: Deal breakers

I’m not the first person to be heartbroken over a tough break up, people break up all the time.  But, when I have a break up I make sure it’s the kind that bad Hollywood movies are made from.

My recent relationship was easily the most dramatic and unhealthy I’ve ever been in, so it’s no surprise it ended the same way. We weren’t even adult enough to remain Facebook friends.

It’s my own fault, I like the bad boys; I love long hair and tattoos, musicians are my weakness, I date cheaters, I date alcoholics, I date drug addicts, and I date guys that are unemployed.

The ones I certainly can’t escape from have all those qualities rolled into one beautifully made package. It’s not like I search out these types on Christian Mingle, I’ve met all my ex’s in different ways; at a bar, at work, at the dog park, in the neighborhood, at a coffee shop, even on a tropical island … but the story always has the same ending. The men I’ve dated have a great first impression. Unfortunately I cling to the losers and throw the good ones back to sea.

So what’s my problem? I’m 36 years old, single, never been married, and have no children.  I should be happily married to my soul mate with 2.5 kids by now. I’m the type of girl that started designing my wedding to Prince Charming when I was five years old.

Nothing crazy happened along the way to unhinge these plans; I had a great childhood, I have a master’s degree, own a home in the Hollywood Hills, run my own successful business and I’m really not bad to look at. So obviously I’ve got some flaws or I’d be shacked up traveling the world with Mr. Right by now.

Instead, I’m going on a Mancation. But this is no ordinary vacation from men, it’s more like jumping on a cruise ship and docking at every port until I discover the ideal destination.

I must admit, I thought Mancation would be easy.  In my quest for Captain Perfect I need to quickly discard all the defective seamen along the way. Factoring in my age and wanting to have children, I’m running out of time to determine the studs from the duds.

Everyone has their own set of dating deal breakers. My trouble is that I end up bending mine to revolve around whomever I’m dating at the moment. For example, if I’m dating a guy that happens to be unemployed, I’ll convince myself he’s just too creative to spend his day working.

There are obvious deal breakers that most women adhere to; no drugs, not married, no baby mama drama, must be employed, never disrespectful, no cheating, and he cannot live with his parents.

But I’m on a quest to find my soul mate so I need a more detailed list; he must love his mother (but not be a momma’s boy), cannot wear shoes with individual toes in them, must enjoy foreign movies, must love to travel (with a backpack, not a suitcase), funny, honest, cannot shave his chest (seriously, it’s gross), enjoys art, must love camping, he has to celebrate anniversaries and holidays, must love and respect all animals, remember what I like in my coffee, and he must love holding hands because I think it’s the sweetest form of affection.

So I’ve run off to a remote island in Honduras … which may not have been one of my best decisions. I have so many bug bites that I have bites on top of bites, I’m a little hung over, kind of homesick, quickly running out of money, and not sure if my dogs will remember me if I ever get home.

I need to buy a bottle of bug spray and see what this island has to offer, because Mancation has begun.

(All photos provided by the author)