What would I tell my 18-year-old self now that I’m 36?
“Stop making bad choices, Dumbass! When you meet Failure Frank and Loser Larry – RUN!”
Unfortunately, I still don’t take my own advice. I recently met a statuesque sexpot covered in tattoos… who had stopped shooting heroin and snorting cocaine six days earlier. Congrats! That makes him date-able, right?
The next day I ran into him again and congratulated him on being seven days sober … But he said he had a hard night and backpedaled to day 1 … Congrats?
“Hello Red Flag, my name’s Jaimie.”
Most girls spot a red flag and run the other way. But not this girl! He was just so good looking … before I realized what I was doing (mesmerized by his utter sexiness) we exchanged phone numbers. What was I thinking? #sorrymom
But, it got me thinking about my past. Have I always chosen Deadbeat Donald over Perfect Paul?
Let’s be realistic; there isn’t enough room in this blog to dissect every relationship I’ve had, so I contacted a few old lovers and friends seeking guidance in my quest for Prince Charming.
Doctor Empty (We dated for approximately 6 years and broke up around seven years ago. He lives in Los Angeles and dates a really hot chick.):
Me: “Why did we break up?”
Doctor Empty: “You told me you liked to think of ways to hurt me while I was sleeping.”
Me: “Oh come on! That stuff was all in good fun!”
Doctor Empty: “We broke up because we didn’t like any of the same things.”
Me: “True. But why do all my other relationships fail?”
Doctor Empty: “Because you only date cheating narcissistic morons.”
Me: “Duh. I know that, but why doesn’t it ever work out?”
Mister Magical Muchacho (We’ve been great friends for many years; he lives in Los Angeles and is married to a really hot chick.):
Me: “Why aren’t I married?”
MMM: “Because you are free like a bird.”
Me: “That’s lame. I’m serious.”
MMM: “Because you choose to date the wrong guys.”
Me: “I’m seeing a pattern.”
Random Guy (Some hot guy I saw walking down the street.):
Me: “Hi, would you date me?”
Random Guy: “For sure!”
Random Guy: “Because you’re hot!”
Me: “Ok Thanks. Just wondering.”
Needing more information, I decided to ask a few girlfriends.
The Brunette (currently single):
Me: “Where do I find a decent guy?”
The Brunette: “If I had the answer to that I wouldn’t be single.”
Me: “Good point.”
The Blonde (happily married):
Me: “Why can’t I find an amazing guy?”
The Blonde: “You’re looking too hard. Go do your traveling … See where your heart falls. The second you stop looking is the second you’ll meet the right guy!”
Me: “Yeah… That’s how I met Chesty.”
The Blonde: “And you have really bad taste in men.”
Consolidating the advice from my past lovers, friends, and a random guy I met, I’ve determined that although I’m beyond beautiful I’m a horrible judge of character.
From now on, no more second chances. As soon as I find out they are married, have a girlfriend, are on drugs, unemployed, or hate dogs – I’m out the door. No second dates, no extra texts, and no kiss goodnight.
And the Blonde gave me another great idea — Girls weekend in Cabo?
Jaimie Beebe is 36 years old, single, modern, and a Renaissance woman. She’s a writer, world traveler, Playboy model, amateur magician, casting director, producer, band manager, and occasional star fucker (only the really hot ones).
At 17 Jaimie left home to follow the jam band Phish, spent months at a Rainbow Gathering, protested logging in Oregon, and made the local Ohio papers getting arrested for organizing a topless march.
Slightly famous for rebuilding her Hollywood Hills home in a bikini after a contractor stole her money and left town, she created an online webisode “Bikini Builders” where followers could donate money, tools, and supplies to recoup her losses. Scantily clad babes in bikinis on camera can accomplish almost anything.
Jaimie holds a Master’s Degree in Music Management and a Bachelor’s Degree in Photography. Working in the entertainment industry she has produced commercials and music videos with A-list clients. Currently she juggles running her successful casting career (www.jaimiecasting.com) with writing her blogs, reviews, and a variety of pieces for different publications.
Mancation is her documentation of adventures in dating. Join Jaimie in the struggle to find mister right, or possibly just mister right now in a world of online dating, social media, and crazy Hollywood nights. See our hero navigate the deliriously deranged dating world, and explore all the available options to sniff out a worthy contender.
Feel free to follow along on Instagram: FeatherGirl77 and Twitter @jaimiebeebe as well as Facebook www.facebook.com/mancation.story for a daily dose of her dating disasters.