March 29th: The Three R’s

The past couple of days have physically been quite painful and by the time three in the afternoon rolled around yesterday, I was a mess. As usual, with the degree of pain I was experiencing, logic was replaced with an intense desire to grab hold of anything to provide pain relief. Three Norcos did nothing so my mind began fixating on alcohol. I just wanted to buy some beer around the corner and be done with my discomfort.

I paced, I breathed, and I read, and the desire for beer was still there. Sometime around 6:30, my pain let up. I was exhausted from the effort involved with it and called it a night at 8 o’clock. Any pain relief from the Norco was worn off when I woke the first time at 11 pm and the remainder of the night was a series of burning sensations in my elbows and biceps. My right shoulder was tender to touch and my fingers felt like they were being pulled off my hands.

When I got up this morning, my body reminded me I was in for a long and painful day. I cancelled my plans to work out and headed to Lowe’s to get irrigation materials and got to work in my yard. I am normally energized working on projects but today was a chore. After two hours of struggling with each movement, I gave up, again, completely spent.

This was a good reminder that going forward after TMS ends, I am in for more challenges. If I want to maintain the improvements I have made, I must have plans in place for when things like a pain flare up upends my day.

Sri Ramana Maharshi said, “Happiness is your nature. It is not wrong to desire it. What is wrong is seeking it outside when it is inside.” Think of all the things you turn to for happiness and ask yourself whether each one is an actual need. Most likely, they will fall into the category of stuff you wanted. Maybe it was a cruise, a kitchen renovation, or a new set of golf clubs. Each is nice in their own way, but certainly not a need.

The path to happiness is a short one because it begins and ends with us. It doesn’t matter who gives you all the things you think you want in life, happiness will always escape the person who is not happy inside. That lack of fulfillment, joy, and peace is not because of the things you go without, but because you are not satisfied with who you are.

If you are unhappy with your spouse because he doesn’t do all you want from him, maybe you want too much. If your kids are making you miserable, maybe it is because you feel miserable about yourself. Maybe your unhappiness is due to having too high of expectations from everyone else while not expecting much from yourself. Your life begins with you and it ends with you. Everything in between is the result of either events beyond your control or the choices you made in response to them.

I’ve been a walking textbook of allowing my emotions to determine the choices I make. It’s no wonder when I feel great, I make great choices. When I am depressed, anxious, or tired, I add to my problems with poor choices. I know my future will contain more challenges because it is the only way to grow. However, I would be wise by solving my problems before they materialize by setting about new practices to become part of my daily life. This has led me to what I refer to as my new Three R’s, reflection, removal, and rejoicing.

Reflecting each day allows me to quietly process my day, both the good and bad, in order to make my peace with it. It does not mean constantly looking backward, but rather, to make my peace with each day in order to let go of any unnecessary baggage. By reflecting, I have allowed myself time to decide how to react to things beyond my control in order to feel at ease inside and know that what’s done is over. It allows me to forgive myself for any failures I feel and to grow from each one. It’s allowing me the luxury of knowing not all days are going to be the same and that it is okay to struggle as long as I grow from it.

Removing is the end result of reflection. It may mean removing myself from an unpleasant situation, moving on from an unhealthy relationship, or discarding the questions that have no answers. By decluttering myself, I allow myself to remain open to all possibilities moving forward without having to worry about what they might be. It lets me lighten my load and feel better about myself. I know the people who encounter me will be getting my best whenever I remove my worries and replace them with appreciation and joy. Rejoicing is taking the time to remain present and seeing all that exists in each moment that I have to feel good about. It means stopping myself from dwelling on the negative simply by choosing to see the good in each person, place or thing. It’s taking the time to recognize all the gifts I receive each day and maintaining that desire to positively impact anyone and everyone I encounter. It means I choose to remove my blinders and experience whatever is in my life.

Today I could easily feel like a failure because of all the things I did not accomplish. Instead, after reflecting on the past 24 hours, I see my successes. I did not succumb to my craving for alcohol. I wisely chose to do less with my day. I finished planting the front and installed the first of eight irrigation stations in the backyard. Each is a victory in my book and any defeats I experienced have been let go.

My anxiety has also been increasing the past few days. The days will no longer be scheduled around leaving mid-day for TMS which means I must incorporate more to remain busy. With spring’s arrival, I can at least find more ways to be outside even if it means just pulling weeds. I have no excuses either for getting out and participating in more community events and taking Bug along.

The highpoint of my day was getting to talk with my brother Chuck. I filled him in on my struggles and what I have been doing the past seven weeks to incorporate change and a more mindful approach to life. Chuck has devoted his life to living in community with others who approach each day as Jesus would were he alive. He has an extensive background and understanding of religion and has dealt with the same emotional trauma I’ve dealt with from our father.

Chuck and I spent the first 16 years of my life sharing a room. We shared a love of sports and it was through watching the difference in how my father invested his time into Chuck and not me that I concluded my dad must not love me. However, Chuck has shared with me many of the same feelings of emptiness or unworthiness of love from our father as well. I was unable to grasp it at the time because all I could see was how dad was MIA in my life when the truth is he lacked the capacity to see the best in any of his children.

Each of the eight of us could do so much and end up feeling so small in a variety of ways because for some reason, our father was unable to see the best in himself in order to see the best in his children. We had no way of knowing at some point in our lives our father would disown us in some manner, however, we have all been left with a feeling of abandonment.

It is strange how all of us kids have withheld these feelings we held inside until I wrote about several of my experiences five years ago. I worried they might become angry with me for sharing the things I wrote. Instead, each thanked me and were able to share with me their own experiences. If there is one thing any form of abuse inflicts on victims who experience it at a young age it is a feeling of shame. We walk away from the trauma inflicted on us and think there was something we did to deserve it so we bottle up our emotions.

As we get older, we might be able to make logical sense of what happened and know it was never our fault, but the scars remain and when triggered, the memories return. Moving forward, I need to be more mindful of when I have been triggered and allow myself to feel it so that I can let it go. Otherwise, it gets buried only to come back worse.

Our father injured us in ways that I now see were a reflection of his own pain. Morihei Ueshiba said, “To injure an opponent is to injure yourself. To control aggression without inflicting injury is the art of peace.”

My dad was fighting a constant war with himself. Whenever one of us kids failed his expectations, he took it as a personal attack on him and set about inflicting his own method of abuse toward us, eventually resulting in his ultimate weapon of disowning us. He was incapable of grasping the concept that others close to him might not see things as he did. Rather than using those moments as an opportunity to grow with us, he ran from us by shutting us out. We might be living under the same roof as him, but we were not part of his world.

If we received several hard whacks on the butt with a paddle or were verbally attacked, we at least knew we were noticed. However, when a father refuses to see your existence when you are in the same room, you end up feeling worthless inside.

The more I understand this, the more I feel horrible for my mother who was the one who was left with the mess. Not only did she have to make sure we felt good about ourselves by showing up for us and reminding us we were loved, she had to do it in a way so as not to end up disowned like us by not angering dad. She spent her life walking a tightrope without a net below or a pole to balance herself.

When I read this quote from Thich Nhat Hanh, “The most precious gift we can offer anyone is our attention. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers,” I think of my parents.

My mom’s mindfulness was what allowed all eight of us to bloom. She was the one who was there tending to our needs and seeing our best. Sadly, in my case, I did not bloom as early as I would have liked and that may be due to my father’s lack of mindfulness. There is only so much good one person can do to overcome the harm done by another.

If youth is wasted on the young, maybe it is balanced off by wisdom being wasted on the old. I can’t imagine what my life would be like now had I grasped the harm my father inflicted half a century ago. Fortunately, it is in the past and now entirely my choice as to how I move on from it. Having answers to troubling questions is a weight lifted only if you choose to let it go. However, it only grows heavier the longer you hang on to it. Today, I can discuss this issue and not feel the pain it used to cause me. It might still be a weed, but at least it is not buried under layers of dirt. It’s much easier for me to yank it out and move on than it was ten years ago.

March 30th: Going Home to Myself

Over the last seven weeks, besides TMS, physical therapy, and numerous other appointments, I have also managed to fill about 350 journal pages with quotes that speak to me. The first one I copied down was from Thich Nhat Hanh who said, “Go back and take care of yourself. Your body needs you, your feelings need you, your perceptions need you. Your suffering needs you to acknowledge it. Go home and be there for all these things.”

What I realize is that not only did that quote ring true back in February, but it must be my daily approach from here on out. Like so many others, over the course of my adult life, I have allowed myself to be pulled in multiple directions in service to others or simply as a way of avoiding what I needed to do. It’s easy to come up with excuses for not tending to what we are afraid to find out about ourselves. We come up with one distraction after another all in a desire to avoid time inside ourselves.

Seven weeks ago, I had nothing but time. I was in a bad place mentally, my body was broken down and in constant pain. I was out of excuses not to turn inward and begin figuring out myself rather than finding cures to my problems. The only cure to our problems is knowing who we really are and setting about to unlearn all we’ve been taught.

It’s more than just forgetting everything you know, it includes forgetting how you respond, think, feel, and see. It requires cleaning your internal house and ridding it of all the clutter in order to create space so you can emerge. It requires saying goodbye to anything and anyone that no longer fits into the only world suited for your happiness. It means not just ridding your mind of its weeds, but thoroughly turning the soil and adding fresh ingredients for new growth. It requires remaining open to change and all possibilities as well as removing the blinders we wear.

As long as we resist knowing our true selves, we can never feel at peace. Since we are no different than any other life form in that change is constant, it’s vital we accept who we are and remain open to change and growth. Change is unavoidable, but growth is a choice. Nothing and no one is worth the price of your peace and no one can ever fully know you until you know yourself.

Do not allow yourself to become someone’s hamster and think the faster you run on that wheel in your cage, the more you will be rewarded. Happiness is not found by doing more. It comes from not doing the things that do not matter. Focus on what others can’t take from you. No one chooses your attitude, your character, or your personality. If you are not happy with who you are, it’s your fault because you are the end result of your choices. It’s on you to change yourself rather than blaming others for how you have turned out.

There is no quick fix to life, especially if the lightbulb takes 66 years to turn on as in my case. Life is filled with obstacles and each one should be embraced rather than avoided because each time you do, you learn more about who you are. Some of those lessons are painful, but they are also the ones that lead us to greater improvement and keep us from growing stale.

As I reflect on all of this, I am being tested more than I care for. I am up early and in more discomfort than usual. I follow my normal routine of taking Bug out to do his business before heading to the kitchen. My fingers are useless. Not only do they lack the strength to peel a banana unless I slice the top with a knife, they are unable to tear the wrapper to my protein bar so I have to rely on scissors. My neck and shoulders feel like they are loaded down by sacks of concrete and once again, each elbow feels as if there is a burning knife stabbing them.

I make the decision to do what I normally hold off doing and swallow two Norco. There’s no way I am going to function with this pain. Rather than feeling guilty or weak for making the decision, I tell myself this is why the medication has been prescribed to me. If I thought I could get comfortable, I would go back to bed but I have just spent the previous eight hours trying to lie as still as possible because each movement was agonizing.

It’s Sunday. I remind myself I have nowhere to be and thanks to the rain, I have no tasks outside that need tending. I am free to be patient and see how my body feels and can focus on being kind to myself. Still, I am scared because I know my future holds more of these days than I care to imagine. If I dwell on this thought, I am setting myself up for situational depression.

With the banana and protein bar consumed and a fresh cup of coffee in hand, I head to my desk and to my next routine. With my stiff right foot in my boot being stretched, I turn on my UV lamp and begin checking headlines online. The world is asleep and I am able to hear the light sound of rain drops striking my roof.

It is hard to feel whole when in pain. It makes no difference if the pain is a physical response to past injuries or an emotional one to trauma. Logically, I know pain is no different than joy in that both are temporary responses to a situation. When I feel joy, I embrace it and do not think about when it will end. I just take it in and enjoy the feeling. However, with pain, my desire is to rid myself of it which is what leads to panic, anxiety, and poor decisions. I have yet to learn how to embrace it and the opportunity it provides me to grow.

Now that I have been awake for two hours, I am beginning to feel alive. My fingers are functioning, my foot is stretched out, my arms feel lighter and I have lost much of the pain that I woke with. Seven weeks ago, a day that began like this would have sunk me deeper into the hole I was already buried in. Today, I have managed to maintain my perspective. I am aware that my day will not be defined by how it began, but rather, how I respond to its start. I have increased my odds of having another great day simply by making the decision to react to my pain in a calm manner. My options for today may have changed, but they include any of a number of choices that provide me the chance to help others because I made the initial choice to help myself.

March 31st: Shedding

Albert Camus said, “One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful.”  I hope he is right and that I look back on the last couple of years in particular as the best to have ever happened. Nothing is ever worth achieving if it is easy to accomplish. Without struggle, there is no growth. To find peace within and self-acceptance, especially in a culture like ours which does everything it can to encourage us from knowing who we are, is never easy.

I’ve only felt the peace that comes from within while I was lying in the middle of the road convinced death was near. Like a narcotic, once you have tasted that peace, you keep chasing it. Until you find it, you remain restless, empty, and unfulfilled because deep inside you know there is a weightless happiness that nothing comes close to duplicating.

My peace was replaced with further turmoil, anger, depression, and questions that went unanswered. No amount of distractions replaced what I was missing. I ended up in a war with myself, but before realizing this, the collateral damage I did beyond myself left behind footprints that became scars for others. My inner pain became the unwanted pain for others.

April FoolThe amount of physical pain I have been in the past few days has served as a healthy wake up call. It tells me not to believe for one second my work is done. I am only seven weeks into my attempt to find who I am and how to better manage significant obstacles of pain, depression, anxiety, and fatigue. I can never forget my largest obstacle is also my best weapon for fighting these chronic challenges, myself.

How I choose to respond to life when struggles arise will determine whether they are short or long term events. The effort I put into ridding myself of the thoughts, memories, and baggage I no longer need while remaining mindful of all the gifts in my life will be the difference between a darker future or one where my path remains well lit.

Zig Zigler claimed, “You cannot perform in a manner inconsistent with the way you see yourself.” Logically, I see and feel the improvement from TMS. However, TMS is not who I am. It is something I have done and is a part of me, but in a few hours, it will be part of my past. As this day has grown closer, I have become more anxious. I cannot answer where I will be or how I will feel tomorrow or in a hundred tomorrows. However, I realize now that there is no need for asking myself these questions because they serve only one purpose, to derail me with worry.

Since every day consists of thousands of moments, and since each moment constitutes a separate life, I am better served remaining present. By just being, I allow myself to let go of worry, wonder, regret, and countless other feelings that serve no purpose. I just need to do my best to simply be. By being, I remain in touch with myself and am no longer controlled by the events around me because I control how I choose to react to life’s events. There is no point getting too far ahead of myself when there is so much to take in and appreciate each moment. If I allow it, happiness will arrive.

Like any other species, humans must shed themselves of the layers they no longer need in order to grow. When something or someone no longer serves a purpose, we are better off letting go of it. Some things are needed longer than others, but by remaining present, we learn what to hang onto and what to set free. Thoughts, feelings, items, and people all have their places in our lives, but they are not entitled to take over our happiness.

Sting once sang, “If you love somebody, set them free.” You cannot love anyone until you learn to love yourself, so set yourself free. Allow yourself to walk a path guided by your soul. Learn to live with yourself so you get to know who you are and like who that person is. You won’t know what you will discover unless you remain open to any and all possibilities and understand that no matter how painful some struggles are, they are necessary if you are to grow.

There is no timeline for growth nor is there a finish line. There is just this moment. If you are to embrace it, you must be willing to let go of the things in your life holding you back. You need to enjoy and value what you have control over and decide to stop worrying about that which is beyond you. Instead of carrying the weight of your past and future, let go of them and make room for the moment you are in.

There are no hellos or goodbyes in Hawaii, just Aloha. “Welcome,” and “until we meet again” allows everything and anything the freedom to come and go in its natural manner. There are no cages or chains that hold anything back. It allows each of us the ability to grow, change, forgive, and let go as each moment unfolds. It lets us feel gratitude for all we have without the need for greed, hoarding, or hoarding what others may need. It opens us to both giving and receiving, paying life forward instead of looking backward, and knowing at our core that all is exactly as it needs to be. Aloha allows the individual to remain present which is freedom.

As massive as the Universe is, there is no amount of running, hiding, or living in denial from the greatest of all bounty hunters, our soul. It will track you down, bring you to your knees, and humble you before allowing you to make a choice. Do you continue avoiding your true self or do you allow yourself to explore your deepest hurts, greatest desire, and find who you really are? That path is as unique as you are and will not disappoint you as long as you trust in yourself. Most of all, by allowing yourself to do as my sister Mindy suggested to me, you will become your authentic self and be thankful you did.

I arrived at TMS today without any sort of pre-planned words for Vicki. I made the conscious effort to try and remain in the moment and respond accordingly. The moment never arrived as I was informed Vicki was out ill today. Whatever awaits won’t be known for another twenty-four hours.

However, by choosing not to worry over today, there was no let down or reminding myself I got worked up over nothing. Instead, I drove home in a major downpour and thought about how nice it is for my car to be receiving a free car wash courtesy of Mother Nature.

April 1st: An Appropriate Day

Today is April Fool’s Day. For much of my life, I have fooled myself into thinking I can solve all my problems simply by sucking up my feelings, ignoring my pain, and refusing to admit I was struggling. Only a fool believes the lies he tells himself.

I also allowed myself to play the role of the fool, the class clown who masked his insecurities and depression by making others laugh. Inside, I was tied up in knots, shrouded in a cloud of depression, learning to retreat and suffer in silence. I was quick to anger and quicker to make a joke of things. I turned to running to provide myself relief only later to run from myself. I played a role in a society whose ideals ran counter to so many of the questions I had that went unanswered. I waged a constant war with myself which kept me from becoming the best version of myself which adversely affected relationships.

Today, I understand I was never caught in the grip of suffering. I was holding onto it because I believed it was my job to fix my problems. In the end, I ended up blaming myself for breaking me. Like Sisyphus, the more I pushed, the more I suffered from a hell I created.

Thimking back to Mr. Moreno, my eighth grade PE teacher, who used to tell us, “Don’t think, just react.” He probably had no idea his words were expressing his inner Buddhist philosophy. They were most likely a reflection of what was drilled into him while serving in the military. However, when I remove the emotion behind his advice, I see how much sense his words make.

There is no doubt I overthink things and tend to react emotionally in ways that make my life more difficult than it has to be, but also forces the hands of others. In other words, I am my own worst enemy. I am the one person, more than all the other people in the world cumulatively, who stands most in my way. I am the one who blocks my path and wages an internal war against my better self.

However, recognizing this is one thing; correcting it is another. Seven weeks is nowhere enough time to flip the script of my life when bad habits are as deeply embedded as they are in me. There are going to still be days where I need to focus on life in the briefest blocks possible, not just to enjoy those moments, but to prevent myself from standing in my way with regret or worry. There will, in all likelihood, be more battles lost. However, what will determine my success or failure rate will be how I choose to respond to my defeats just as much as how I choose to respond to my victories.

Now it’s time I do what Dolly Parton advises, “Find out who you are and do it on purpose.” I’ve stood in my way far too much and am long overdue to quit hindering my path.

I must also follow the words of Dogen Zenji, “If you practice with genuine trust, you will attain the way, regardless of being sharp or dull.” I need to trust in myself so that I can get out of my way. It’s simple, continue being my worst enemy or begin being my best friend.

Once again, today’s appointment was cancelled due to Vicki being out ill. All things begin and end on their own time and today is not the day for my therapy to finish. It means new opportunities are available to me that might not otherwise be. Looking out my office window, it appears those opportunities will be centered more along reflection and remaining indoors while we receive another day of rain. There is nothing I have to get done that can’t wait. It’s a perfect day to relax with Bug, enjoy another warm mug of coffee, and allow life to unfold.

April 2nd: Becoming Who I was Meant To Be

This afternoon, I said, “Aloha,” to Vicki and I thanked her for all she has done. We let each other know how much we will miss seeing each other but will be keeping in contact. Whether our paths merge in some form is not for me to dwell on. Like the ebb and flow of the ocean, there is no forcing or willing a future out of my control. I can only remain open to all the possibilities out there and rejoice in what I have. What I have is myself, and that is all I need in order to enjoy each moment.

Earlier this morning, I entered the final quote in my second journal of quotations. It seemed fitting given my journey these past weeks. Anais Nin said, “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

Buddhism reminds us that each individual is their own greatest project. To lose ourselves in desire, worry, or service to others without caring for ourselves is to live life backwards in terms of priorities. Kindness is not a weakness and to love yourself is the only path toward mindfulness. Attachment in any form is an addiction that stands in the way of self-awareness. The path to growth must contain struggle for it forces us to lose the weight that holds us back. Finally, failure is an opportunity to restart, reset, and refocus our lives. When we are honest and kind to ourselves, we are able to forgive and let go.

There is a Chinese proverb that says, “He who blames others has a long way to go on his journey. He who blames himself is halfway there. He who blames no one has arrived.”

I have arrived at the end of blame, both toward others and myself. Life, as we think of it, consists of an infinite number of lifetimes known as moments. They represent opportunities to make choices that set into motion another infinite number of lifetimes. Like our universe, each of us continually expands in all directions and has an endless effect on people, places, and events. We may not control the events that come to us, but we do control how we react. How we choose to think and act can heal ourselves and others or add to all our pain.

I have no idea what direction my path will continue taking me. As Rumi said, “Whatever purifies you is the right path.” The largest, greatest, and most powerful world known to man is the world that lives inside of you.” Or as the words on a poster I recently saw stated:

“I am not who I was before.
The pain changed me.
The healing shaped me.
And for the first time, I feel whole.
I used to think healing meant returning to who I was,
But now I see –
Healing is becoming someone new,
Someone wiser,
Someone softer,
Someone stronger.
And I wouldn’t trade this version of me for anything.”