This country really needs to have a parade to honor our president, one that recognizes what a swell guy he is and pays tribute to him in a way that is only fitting of the 45th President of the United States and it’s first Douche-Bag-In-Chief. Since a woman’s march fails to include all the groups that best reflect our little president and because a military parade is kind of hard to pull off when you are trying to wage wars all over the world, I figured I would offer up a view of what the actual parade will be like.
At the very front, are a multitude of very hot looking women marching with a lone man in a suit running between them and grabbing their butts. They call themselves The Groper’s Girls in honor of all the women who have been touched by Trump in a way they will never be able to forget.
Next, a lone golf cart, driven by a man in a dark suit and wearing sunglasses while a fat man in a red cap stands tall and waves to a crowd unable to see him because of the large truck that drives along the side blocks everyone’s view. It is known as Weekend At Mar A Lago.
The third group includes two very stupid men and one beautiful woman walking and tossing money into the crowd while chanting, “Daddy, you’re the best.” They are the ever popular Silver Spoons.
Of course, they have to be followed by two older women who have seen much better days while obviously showing the signs of too much cosmetic surgery. They might appear to be a classier version of Thing 1 and Thing 2 but actually call themselves The Real Ex Wives of 45.
Following this pair is a long line of mostly white men in suits with a few women tossed in, all of whom are carrying a resume. They are none other than The Former Cabinet Creatures.
No parade for number 45 would be complete without a group of clowns with what look like Pez Dispensers handing out nonsensical quotes to the crowd. These clowns are the one and only Sean Spicer Dispensers.
More white men in suits follow. However this group is unique in that they all seem to be wearing brown lip stick and lean over while they walk down the street. They are the Synchronized Ass Kissers.
Next, a large man with yet another red cap on his head is seated behind a very impressive looking desk. He appears to be on the phone which is the only thing on the desk but he is not talking to anyone. Next to the desk stands a photographer who snaps photos of what is called The Working President With Nothing On His Desk.
Up next is a podium with a woman with dark hair who has a snarl on her face and a large binder in front of her. Men and women with note pads are in front of her raising their hands wanting to ask her important questions. She says mean things to each one, tells them they are a bunch of liars, and then proceeds to snarl some more. She is the We ReallyMiss Sean Spicer and Can’t Stand You Sarah Float.
Look, up in the sky. Here comes the next parade display. It flies. It screams. It smiles. It lies. It sticks knives in your back. Yes, it is Kellyanne of the East and she is about to descend on the crowd and tell them what a great man the president is.
Behind her are a group of white men with swastikas chanting hateful things about Blacks, Mexicans, Jews, Gays, non Christians, and Democrats. What parade for 45 would be complete without an appearance by The Aryan Brotherhood?
We then see three white men behind desks, each with microphones, telling us what a cool guy our president is and how wonderful it is to live in America again. Oh, wait, it’s FOX News.
Behind FOX is another group of white men, this time in robes, setting fire to a transgender person who happens to be black. They carry a giant cross and shout, “God hates blacks and queers.” The KKK seem to be a real hit among parade goers.
Finally, a fat man with orange hair dressed in a golf shirt and khaki pants presses a big red button and out of nowhere a giant penis shaped missile is launched toward North Korea. My Dick Is Bigger Than Your Dick heads skyward before exploding into a million pieces and showering the crowd with Trump in 2020 buttons.
Yep, the president was right once again. We all needed this parade to remind us we are the luckiest people on the planet because we have Donald Trump for our president.
Jim is a life long resident of California and retired school teacher with 30 years in public education. Jim earned his BA in History from CSU Chico in 1981 and his MA in Education from Azusa Pacific University in 1994. He is also the author of Teaching The Teacher: Lessons Learned From Teaching. Jim considers himself an equal opportunity pain in the ass to any political party, group, or individual who looks to profit off of hypocrisy. When he is not pointing out the conflicting words and actions of our leaders, the NFL commissioner, or humans in general, he can be found riding his bike for hours on end while pondering his next article. Jim recently moved to Camarillo, CA after being convinced to join the witness protection program.