Ryan Lochte makes America great again

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Dear Ryan,

Thank you. Thank you for making America Great Again!

Lochte-StarYour actions in Brazil have shown this once great nation of ours what I have been trying to convince the dolts who vote what we are capable of doing.

Each of us is able to build a wall. Thanks to you, you have built a wall between us and Brazil and it didn’t cost a dime. You have flashed a giant middle finger, as well as smaller digit, and pissed all over a nation that needed to be put in its place. Imagine the wall we will build when millions of us stand in unity at our southern border and piss into Mexico. It will be great, really, really great.

As for those who claim you are not taking personal responsibility for your actions, screw them! What do they know? They think a woman can be president and actually do a better job than I can do.

I have been reviewing your history and see like me, you have received your fair share of unfair press over the years. The media is nothing more than a festering hemorrhoid on the buttocks of life. They will make your life incredibly uncomfortable if you let them, but ass hats, uh, I mean geniuses like us know how to use them to our advantage.

I want to take this time to offer you a job on Team Trump. We can really use a guy like you. You are white, male, and quick to cover your tracks while showing the smarts of employing underlings to help you out. You have a bright future in front of you and I want to mentor you to your full potential.

I have several spots where I can use you. I was actually thinking of dumping my VP because he his apparently more ethical than I am, can you imagine that? Sure, you are only 32 and too young to serve in the White House, but I know people who can alter your birth certificate and since I am the brains behind the birther movement, no one will go looking.

Ryan Lochte SexyYou would also be a great addition to my foreign policy team. Heck, with all your Olympic experience, you know the inner workings of foreign affairs almost as much as I do. By the way, how did you like Beijing and London when you were there? I found the Chinese especially challenging because they all look alike and as for the Brits, well, let me just say they make those in the south sound almost normal when they speak.

However, for now, I think you would be best served as my new campaign manager. You could be just the person who injects the type of energy and direction my campaign needs. You will get to work with my daughter Ivanka, did I tell you she is really really hot? We can meet every week over the most wonderful Taco Bowl you will ever eat and discuss the really, really great things we will accomplish once I am elected Pope, I think that is what the P in POTUS stands for.

Anyway, great work in Brazil. I am in your corner and could really use a guy like you. Maybe we can get together and pick each other’s brain cell.

All My Best,

All photos screen shots from YouTube