Taking Note of a Few Things: The Belts and Body Edition

A good leather belt is hard to find. It never used to be. I remember buying leather belts that lasted forever. Now, they’re cheaply made and quick to fall apart. I’m thinking of either going with canvas belts or tying a rope like Jethro did in The Beverly Hillbillies.

My superpower is being able to drink a strong cup of coffee and fall asleep less than an hour later.

If the British Open were played at night, Americans would not have to get up so damn early to watch it.

The first two weeks of the Tour de France this year was filled with a thrilling duel between two young riders who went at each other like Ali and Frazier did in the boxing ring. Then, after the second rest day, Jonas Vingegaard won the time trial by a margin where he rode five percent faster than runner up, Tadej Pogocar. For two riders who were separated by seconds, it makes a lot of bicycle fans wonder if doping was involved.

Having a plug of tissue pulled out from my abdomen was not nearly as painful as I expected. A little tenderness followed by itching as the scar healed up was all I experienced.

Night and Day

In the 60’s and 70’s, America’s youth tried to change culture through protests, peace rallies, voter marches, and even burning bras. It resulted in expanded rights, increased opportunities, and a move from the mindset established by adults who grew up in the Depression.

Today’s younger generation is characterized by canceling anyone and anything they are offended by. They can’t be bothered to march or even burn bras because they are too busy passing judgment on people they have never bothered to get to know. They think shutting down a comedian who they do not like improves society. It’s no different than being the person who sits in an office nowhere near a school campus and is charged with issuing pink slips. It’s easy to get rid of who you don’t know. Someday, they will realize this when they are on the receiving end from a generation behind them that hasn’t bothered to understand them.

Global warming will lead to more than a rise of our oceans. It will inevitably result in a rise of more authoritarian governments as those in poor countries are affected the most. When more people from Central America attempt to come to our country, there will be a rise in anti-immigration sentiments among our citizens — which plays right into the hands of authoritarian leaders like Trump.

Paved Paradise

It’s simple. If you value democracy, you will encourage freely elected governments to continue finding new ways to improve this planet.

Speaking of loving democracy, it appears American soccer fans are more than a little unhappy over the USWNT opting not to sing the words of our National Anthem (For some reason, I thought it was “Free Bird”). Meanwhile, America sits silently while a former college football coach and the now number one ranked racist in the nation, Senator Tommy Tuberville, holds up the confirmation process for our military leadership positions all because he wants to make the issue about abortion (Personally, I think he might be suffering from CTE).

Singing lyrics you have probably never studied or wearing red, white, and blue in public does not make you more American than others. Try respecting and defending the rights of ALL citizens to be who they choose to be or putting the welfare of our national security before your personal battles. Wearing a large belt buckle with the letters USA emblazoned on it doesn’t make you an American nearly as much as they simply serve to hold up your Wranglers so we can better appreciate your beer belly.

I find it almost hysterical if it were not so hypocritical that MAGA people demand we should make passing the citizenship test more difficult while they rewrite our history books into simple fables of white glory. How do they drive cars with their heads so far up their back side?

If I remember correctly, Barbie dolls are a toy aimed at little kids (I almost said girls). Only Hollywood would use them for a film that ends up with a PG-13 rating. Can’t female empowerment be toned down to at least a PG rating?

I’d bet dollars to donuts men would flock to theaters to watch the Barbie film if it were X-rated. However, I am not sure how that can be done when neither Barbie nor Ken has any genitalia.

The previous comment is the first time I have used the word genitalia in any of my writing. I hardly use it in my speech because it has too many syllables and I don’t care what anyone says, it sounds funny. The word genitals does not make me laugh, but for some reason, genitalia does.

Now that I have stopped to think about it, the word “genitalia” sounds like a language. Maybe I can add I am fluent in Genitalia to my resume.

Genitalia might also have once been a great empire where Genitals conquered millions and ruled with an iron fist, and other body parts. Sadly, their empire died a slow death when they failed to conquer the even mightier Herpes led by the famous Queen Gonorrhea.

If anyone in Hollywood would like, I can probably write a PG-13 script telling this story. I am sure kids will love it. But first, you must settle your writer’s strike. I’m no scab.

Not to exclude penises, since you don’t find them on dolls, even GI Joe’s are lacking in that department. Unfortunately, their lack of endowment may be due to shrapnel wounds. One thing for certain is, today’s top military brass who grew up with a division or two of GI Joe’s in their toy chest, love to make up for their dolls without balls. It is the primary reason why they love creating weapons that are phallic shaped and explode on command.

In case you were unaware, our planet is on fire. Fires rage out of control throughout Europe and Canada with the smoke making breathing in neighboring nations harmful. It is just a matter of time before those of us out west will be inundated with fires and by the time things calm down in the northern hemisphere, you can bet Australia and the southern region of Africa will see their share of fires. Thankfully, the GOP solution to global warming is to plant 10 billion saplings. Of course, they need water, and their soil needs to hold up to flooding.

Fire

Sharks are coke addicts. This is the theory being researched by scientists who are trying to understand why there are so many more shark attacks off the Florida coast. The theory is they are feasting on kilos of cocaine dumped from planes trying to smuggle the drug into our nation. My theory is these sharks are supporters of Florida Governor Ron DeSantis and are only attacking gay swimmers. In return for their support, DeSantis is trying to pass a bill allowing sharks the right to vote.

Yesterday, I shaved the hair off of my arms so my doctor can better see my moles when I go in for a post-surgical check-up. The worst part about it is after shaving them, I had to go to the store and purchase a woman’s razor to get the job done better.

Five blades are better than three and I got a handy little suction cup holder to hang the razor on. Unfortunately, it got stuck to my chest and when I yanked it off, it left a bald spot. Now I need a few more razors to shave my chest.

Seriously, I realized I have thicker and longer hair on my arms than I have on my legs, and believe me, my legs are hairy. When I finished shaving my arms, I thought for a second, now is my chance. With a little glue on my head, I could have a full head of hair again.

Now that the hair is gone from my arms, I’m thinking I need to get them in the sun and tan them up. Then I remembered, the sun is why I got melanoma. Maybe I will pick up some of those UV protection arm sleeves that look like my arms are covered with tattoos.

Is it me, or do I seem fixated on the human body in this edition?

I have lots of free time on my hands (You see, hands and body go together). Anyway, I have been considering using my needle nose pliers to grab hold of my grotesque looking toenail on the big toe of my right foot and giving it a good yank. It’s basically what I paid a doctor to do before only to see it grow back looking uglier than ever.

Just so you know, my favorite Queen song is “Fat Bottom Girls.”

Since I am now living near the beach, I find myself buying board shorts or lightweight beach shorts at my favorite clothing store, The Goodwill. Rarely a Monday passes where I don’t drop in while my clothes are in the drier next door at the laundromat. I take my time and scour through their unorganized clothing section. I get their $5.00 shorts for half price because it is half price day for old farts.

About a month ago, I was at The Goodwill when a very tall young woman decked out in goth clothing and makeup stood behind the last shelf of junk near the clothing section and began trying on clothes. The first thing she did was put on a long black trench coat. Then I saw her pants drop to the floor while she tried on a few other pairs. Next, her top drops to the floor and she replaces it with another that was also black. She then removed her trench coat and began trying on a shorter black leather coat with chains attached to it. Fully dressed, she realized she did not have a mirror to see how she looked. At this time, I called over to her and let her know it all looked great. She thanked me before picking up her clothes off the floor, walked to the register, and paid for what she was wearing.

Here is my Goodwill dilemma. Not all shorts fit the same and The Goodwilldoes not have a changing room to try them on. They also have a shortage of tall goth girls to watch me try on shorts. I normally have a 32-inch waist.  However, sometimes that size is too large and other times too small. Some fit the waist but are a bit tight around my chicken legs. Since I usually just buy a single pair, it’s hardly worth returning them for two and a half bucks. As a result, for those that are too big in the waist, I have drawn on my high school “Bachelor Living” class skills and I sew in darts, so they fit better. If the shorts are too small, I use them to wash the floor in my apartment before I toss them out.

Look up at that beautiful ceiling.

I wouldn’t have to sew in darts if there was a decent belt to be had.