Damn the consequences

Now that the sun is shining and the writing urge has struck, I am going to write you a love, sex and relationship story. I think you and I are ready for it.  Please feel free to leave comments weekly on where you would like to see it go and I will try to accommodate you.  Not sure where this will end but maybe we can figure it out together.

This is her letter to him.

Damn the consequences

Part One

The open wound you left is still there. I think it was meant to be that way. I always thought you were everything I ever wanted. I now know it’s true what they say about love and hate being so close to the exact same emotion. Because I sat on that fence, not sure of which way I should fall. I could also admit that I did fall, many times and stupidly got back on that fence to fall again and again.

Neither one of us wanted to keep going nor could either one of us stop. To stop would have been to cut our hearts out. I don’t know why fate did this to us. Did we even have a choice? I don’t think you get to choose who you fall in love with, it just happens. Believe me, I never would have chosen you. I’m a relatively smart person with morals who actually feels guilt and shame.

I remember so clearly, that day when this whole love affair began. You sat in my office and said, “Let’s go to lunch tomorrow.” I couldn’t have said no. I lied to myself that it was just lunch between co-workers. No big deal. Besides, to tell myself the truth would have meant I knew it was wrong and I couldn’t have admitted that. Not me.

We had fought it for years, literally. Now was the moment of truth. You’ve asked me to lunch. It must have been very difficult for you to ask. Did you also tell yourself it was a harmless lunch between co-workers like I did? Or were you honest when I couldn’t be?

I tossed and turned all that night and by morning, my blankets were on the floor. I was a wreck and I looked and felt like shit. But to be honest, the only way I would have missed that lunch was if you had changed your mind.

The drive to the restaurant was full of tension.  I could feel it in the air and found it very difficult to sit in your car. I was afraid to look at you, so I looked out the window. We hardly spoke as a result of our nervousness.

In the parking lot of the restaurant, I started to open the door but you ran around and held it open for me. I absolutely loved that. Walking toward the restaurant side by side was eerie and to think about it now, it felt as if it was a dream or maybe as if I had been drugged. I remember a kind of a woozy feeling. There was a magnet unerringly pulling us together. I literally had to fight the pull to keep us apart. Remember, later you said you had felt the pull too. It would have been the most natural thing in the world for us to walk in holding hands as if we did all the time, but of course we didn’t. We couldn’t.

Once seated, the waitress asked for our drink order. I asked for an ice tea, no lemon. You asked for an ice tea, no lemon. We both laughed and that broke the ice.

People were talking and laughing and walking back and forth. Dishes, silverware and glasses were clinking together. Sizzling skillets wafted past us. It was a busy restaurant at lunchtime with people going about living their lives never knowing they were unwittingly part of this clandestine meeting.

I wanted to stare at you; all I could see, feel and hear was you across from me, no one or anything else. Neither of us ate much. I don’t even remember ordering. But we talked. About everything, our whole lives up to that point. It was as if we couldn’t get enough of each other, and I wanted more. The lunch went on forever and still didn’t last long enough.  I regretted having to go back to the real world where we had to once again become the people we were a short, never-ending hour ago. I was stunned.

The walk back to the car was in silence where we couldn’t even look at each other. The drive back to the office was nerve shattering and seemed to take forever. While we waited for that final left turn into the office parking lot, you turned to me and said, “You know there’s an attraction between us.”     NMW