December 2023 Letters to Jim: Canadian Super Pigs, Trojans and Not Shopping

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Welcome to December, our twelfth and final month of the year. As we inch closer to a new year, let’s not forget there are still 31 days left. If your year has been anything like mine, that means there are 31 more opportunities for the Gods to crap all over you and laugh. With that in mind, let’s see what is on the minds of my readers.

Dear Jim,
I just read that our nation is under attack by “super pigs” from Canada. Is this some kind of joke? The article was not attributed to The Onion, so I assume it is true. What am I supposed to make of this?<
Pig Farmer

Dear Pig Farmer,

Yes, it is true. Our nation’s northern border is being overrun by an army of super pigs that if left unchecked will infiltrate American swine everywhere. There are a few schools of thought on this matter. One is to just let nature run its course and allow these fat bastards to commingle with our numerous assortments of swine . Another is to arm every pig loving American with assault weapons so we can defend our innocent pigs from raping, pillaging, and plundering by these boars from hell.

Fortunately, we have a leader who is very much in tune with the world of pigs. I am talking about Donald Trump. He is already on record as promising to build a wall along our northern border to keep these swine terrorists from taking away the pork futures market from American pigs. He’s blamed liberal policies for this mass invasion and insists this attack is linked to what’s on Hunter Biden’s laptop.

Furthermore, Trump claims President Biden is so old and senile that he recently pardoned one of the super pigs thinking it was a Thanksgiving turkey. Trump has convinced the entire GOP to join his “American Pigs Matter” movement by changing the GOP moniker from an elephant to a porker.

If for some reason you encounter wild pigs and are not sure if they are American or Canadian, there is a simple method to determine what you are facing. Simply toss out a piece of food toward the pigs. If they rush to devour it, they are American pigs. However, if they sit back and allow other swine to engulf it, they are Canadian Wild Pigs because if we know one thing about them it is that Canadian pigs are more polite than those ugly rude Americans.

Dear Jim,
There seems to be a lot of volcanic activity lately. Is this something to be concerned about on top of climate change or is the media making more of it than there is?
Seeking the Truth

Dear Seeking,

You came to the right person. I pride myself on only providing my fans with the truth. You want the truth? Get ready for it.

There has been a greater amount of volcanic activity lately and more is to come. While it has nothing to do with climate change, eruptions can add to the problem. However, there is something more worrisome at play.

You see, the earth is entering a new phase, one scientists refer to as menopause, a period in which the earth experiences severe hot flashes. These hot flashes can last a short time, but all too often they seem to go on forever, which can drive a man crazy. One minute, everything seems to be just hunky dory and the next, there is a hot flash that makes everyone run for cover. You see, now that Mother Earth is done having kids, called moons, her biological clock comes to a screeching halt which results in a buildup of intense heat. This heat must be released or else there could be real hell to pay.

It has been known for some time now that our planet is heading towards menopause which is the primary reason why good people like Elon Musk are behind space exploration. He wants to save all of us from the misery of menopause by transporting us to another planet, one much younger and full of more life than this old battle ax we inhabit. Let’s all hope he succeeds.

Dear Jim,
I know you have followed the USC Trojans football program most of your life. I am also a life-long fan and feeling frustrated by their final record of just seven wins against five losses. They were supposed to be among the top teams in the nation this year. Going forward, what will it take for them to land in the NCAA playoffs? It’s been way too long.
Trojan for Life

Dear Trojan for Life,

From what I can determine, the only chance for USC to make it to the NCAA Playoffs next year is if they expand the playoffs to the top 64 teams in the nation Maybe then their 7-5 record will be enough to get into the postseason.

Of course, I am kidding. What they really need to do is hire some young kid to steal the signs of their opponents so they have an advantage in next year’s games. Look what it has done for Michigan.

Dear Jim,
I am curious whether you saw the halftime performance by Dolly Parton during the Dallas Cowboys Thanksgiving football game. If so, what are your thoughts of a 77-year-old woman dressing up as Dallas Cowboys cheerleader while singing to a national audience? Is that going too far or is it at all okay in this day and age?

Dear Shocked,

I did not watch the ballgame or Dolly’s performance. I did, however, read an article which posted photos of her in the outfit you mentioned.

My only thought was I am glad it was Dolly in that outfit and not Lizzo. If it is still okay for Willie Nelson to dress as a 25 year old stoner, I see no reason Dolly can’t be a cheerleader.

Dear Jim,
Donald Trump recently made mention of the term Trump Derangement Syndrome and made fun of people who claim to suffer from all the excessive news coverage about him. Do you believe there is such a thing caused by the fatigue felt from the energy he sucks from us?
Feeling Fatigued

Dear FF,

Maybe Trump is the cause of all the fatigue I have felt this past year, although I’d have a difficult time keeping a straight face talking to my doctor about it. Look, if you are fatigued by all the Trump coverage, don’t follow it. Scroll past the headlines. Change the channel on your television. Tell your friend, colleague, or person talking to you in the checkout line to shut up. Then when it comes time to vote next year, don’t vote for the guy.

Besides, if there is an illness caused by Trump, we all know it would be an STD.

Dear Jim,
What do you think is the best strategy for Democrats to keep the White House and retain control in the Senate next year?

Dear Worried,

A lot of things can happen in the coming year to affect next year’s election results. However, assuming both Biden and Trump face off for the White House, I would focus on the following things.

  1. Biden as a human being is far better than Trump. Our nation and our alliances are better off with Biden in office.
  2. If supporters of abortion rights want to see them returned on a national level, they want to elect Democrats.
  3. Believe it or not, the economy is doing better and will continue under Biden’s lead. More people are working, wages are up, infrastructure is much improved and with Democrats controlling the Senate and House of Representatives, there is a better chance of seeing tax changes that make the wealthy pay more.
  4. Democrats are not run by nuts like Gaetz, Green, Boebert, or Johnson.
  5. Democrats believe in the Constitution, oppose dictators rather than embrace them, and want to ensure the rights of all U.S. citizens.
  6. Biden is not, and never has been, on trial for over 90 crimes committed.
  7. We might not be able to end racism, but with Democrats in power, you can be sure our government won’t be run by racists.
  8. Republicans might claim to cater to Christians, but it’s actually Democrats who support the freedom of all religions and conduct themselves in a more Christian manner.
  9. Trump’s desire to be president again is to hopefully keep himself from having to serve time in prison, while Biden’s is to advance our nation while preserving what our Founding Fathers created
  10. Finally, re-electing Biden ensures we have a president who not only reads his daily briefings, he actually knows how to read.

Dear Jim,
Is President Biden too old to serve as president?

Dear Wondering,

I feel very confident that President Biden is more mentally and physically up to the task than 77 year old Trump who is obese and a mental midget compared to any previous president. I have no doubt if both had to take a mental and physical exam to see who was more fit for the office, the 81 year old Biden would win hands down. We already know Trump is far more morally corrupt.

The question should not be whether Biden is too old to serve as president, but rather, is Trump physically, mentally, and morally up to the task when presidential historians rate Trump as the worst POTUS in our nation’s history.

Dear Jim,
In your opinion, what is a worse way to shop, Black Friday or Cyber Monday. I am already making plans for next year. Thanks.

Dear Planner,

For me, both as far as this year goes.

Generally speaking, I can think of about two million things I would rather do than go shopping anytime between Thanksgiving and the New Year. Other than my basic errands, I have no desire to see what is on sale in stores this time of year.

On an upcoming laundry day, while my clothes are in the wash, I will walk four doors down from the laundromat and into my local Dollar Store where they now sell gift cards. I will find three Christmas Cards for my kids, select some generic Visa Gift Cards and call it a season of shopping. As long as my kids prefer gift cards, I will shop in this manner.

As for Cyber Monday, I have nothing in the way of a big ticket item that would cause me to go looking for a deal on the internet, so I will pass once again. In fact, thanks to the United States Postal Service, I do not buy anything on-line now that I live in an apartment. They’re great at delivering me arrest warrants for someone who once lived in my apartment, but other than that, they can’t be trusted to deliver my mail.

I know, you are going to say I can go with UPS or FedEx, but even then, if they come to drop it off after dark, there is no way they can get inside my complex. I tell myself I will move someday to a place that will allow me to enjoy delivery services. Until then, the internet has to wait for my business.

As for your dilemma, it’s entirely up to you to figure it out. I do know this: whichever one you select, you will end up regretting it.

In conclusion: “Peace on earth and goodwill to all mankind,” is not just a saying, it is a choice. Let’s all work to make it a choice of ours in the coming year. Happy Holidays to everyone and thank you for reading my stuff.