NFL drops the Ballgate

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Domestic Violence … performance enhancing drugs … brain trauma — Under inflated balls? Are you kidding me? Only the NFL can have a controversy before the Super Bowl, over whether or not the New England Patriots deliberately let the air out of game balls,  become so overly inflated.

Did Patriots coach Bill Belichick get caught cheating again? According to him, absolutely not. Did their star quarterback, Tom Brady, have anything to do with this? No way, he claims.

Vice President Joe Biden: “Come here Brady, ya big lug! Let me kiss your wife!” (YouTube)
Vice President Joe Biden: “Come here Brady, ya big lug! Let me kiss your wife!”

How then do a dozen footballs become under inflated after passing inspection by the referees two hours prior to the start of the game and who is responsible for this?

I have compiled a list of the ten most likely suspects and think we need to consider each of their motives.

  1. NORTH KOREA: Their leader, Kim Jong Un, is considered God-like by their people. SONY makes a film mocking him and as a result, their computers are hacked. Our government claims North Korea was behind the hack, something they deny having anything to do with and view as another insult. In turn, they let a little air out of some footballs knowing the sport is our religion and claim victory in a war over the American Imperialists who seek to destroy North Korea.
  2. JOE BIDEN: That was him sitting in the Patriots owners box during the game. He has plagiarized speeches in the past and has said some questionable things. Is it too much to think he told the Patriots owner he left something behind in the locker room prior to kickoff and was given the keys to go get it? He’s going to need a new job in two years. Why not help his team and maybe lay the groundwork for a gig as the team’s locker room attendant?
  3. ISIS: Let’s face it, no one calls these guys the JV Squad and gets away unscathed. They’re fighting a war in the name of Allah and seek to destroy the United States. If they are to succeed, they must destroy our religion, known as the NFL (No Fanatics League).
  4. Governor Chris Christie: "Sit down and shut up!” (YouTube)
    Governor Chris Christie: “Sit down and shut up!”

    Chris Christie: Though often accused of being full of hot air, don’t be fooled. Now that his Cowboys are out of the playoffs, he has to face questions about his past if he is to run for president in 2016. What better way to end the questions about Bridge-Gate than by making the media investigate who is behind Ball-Gate?

  5. Roger Goodell: Huh? Hasn’t the past year been bad enough for him? Sure, but by letting some air out of the footballs used by a team caught cheating in the past, no one will have time to question him about all his mistakes from the past year at next week’s state of the league address.
  6. Peyton Manning: Is it just me or has anyone else noticed no one is talking about whether or not he is washed up and needs to retire? He is always thinking one step ahead of the rest of us.
  7. Giselle Bundchen: Tom Brady’s super model wife loves to please her husband. Tom has stated in the past he prefers balls that are soft and easy to grip. Who better to make sure Tom’s balls are soft and easy to grip?
  8. Bill Cosby: Who cares if a successful and powerful entertainer may have raped as many as 20 women over the years when there are a dozen footballs that lack sufficient air in them? All he had to do was tell the ball boy to drink the Gatorade he offered and when he passed out, Bill lets out a little air and walks away.
  9. Gisele Bundchen: “Just keep me away from Joe Biden and Bill Cosby. Give me your balls, honey.” (YouTube)
    Gisele Bundchen: “Just keep me away from Joe Biden and Bill Cosby. Give me your balls, honey.”

    Republicans: Follow me on this. Republicans represent the rich. The rich own football teams. Ratings for football games matter because they mean a return on one’s investment. Super Bowl ads cost over four million dollars, again a task for the rich. How do you get more people to tune into the Super Bowl and watch these clever and funny ads? Create a controversy and the nation will tune in and follow it to the end. The rich get richer and can end up affording the increase in taxes they will have to pay under Obama’s new plan and Republicans can take credit for compromising to get a deal done.

  10. The Indianapolis Colts: Has anyone noticed, few people are talking about the 45 to 7 butt kicking they received from New England? No one is also talking about the 21 points the Patriots scored in the third quarter after the footballs were properly inflated. No one is mentioning how the Colts defense grabbed air more than they grabbed onto and tackled running back LaGarrette Blunt. Too bad they didn’t game plan for victory as well as they did for their defeat.

There you have it, America’s Ten Most Wanted List. I have no idea which of these ten is behind this fiasco, but one thing is certain, between now and the Super Bowl, there is plenty of time left for the NFL to have another controversy or two. Its just been that kind of year for them.