Americans are known for their sense of humor, but the joke is on us. This coronavirus is no laughing matter and it sickens me to no end to see all the jokes being posted on social media or by those left wing late night comedians (there is a reason they are called commies and it ain’t funny).
As a result, I feel it is my duty to inform readers who want only the most accurate information about this danger we face.
Bold leadership and a sense of calm are needed more than a sense of humor which is why I applaud our Governor, Gavin McCleod Newsom for his bold leadership. His call for self-isolation of people aged 65 and over sounds a bit extreme, but then he went on to explain it in further detail. Newsom pointed out California has as many homeless people as they do citizens over the age of 65 and went about pairing up seniors with the homeless. In one swift move, he has gotten the homeless off the street and given old people someone to talk to about how rough they had it while growing up in the 50’s.
Not stopping there, Governor Newsom has mandated all prisoners in California jails will now eat, sleep, and shower by themselves. “The last thing we need is for this virus to spread so I am requiring all incarcerated people to have their personal space respected and no longer violated.” Newsom went on to add, “If they want company, they will just have to wait for conjugal visits.”
Many Californians have run out of toilet paper and have resorted to hooking up their garden hose as a bidet. Given we are still experiencing drought-like conditions, Governor Newsom is reminding us we are only allowed to use hoses on our designated watering days.
Finally, Newsom signed a proclamation requiring California residents to wait until after sundown the night before their trash is picked up to place any dead bodies curbside for pickup.
On the national front, our leaders have finally begun to realize how serious this virus is. Donald Trump finally took the COVID-19 test and it came back negative, to which Betsy de Vos bragged, “You see, when you attend only the finest schools in the country, you can pass any test at any age.”
Trump added, “I never knew it was so easy to pass a test. I wish I took them as a student and didn’t pay others to take them for me.”
Vice President Mike Pence, appointed by Trump to oversee the fight against the coronavirus because he is expendable, was grilled by reporters for accurate information on the spread of the virus. When asked by one reporter whether the virus came to the United States by a citizen who traveled overseas and had sex with a monkey, Pence replied, “You have confused the coronavirus with how the AIDs virus came to America. Everyone knows this virus was brought here by Hunter Biden when he traveled to Ukraine.”
The virus was a topic brought up during the most recent Democratic debate. Instead of the traditional greeting of shaking hands, Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders chose to rub their penis’ against one another. This explains why Tulsi Gabbard was left out of the debate and why it took the two over 15 minutes before they walked over to their lecterns.
Biden’s opening comments were, “Hey Bernie, was it as good for you as it was for me?” Sanders replied, “In another day or two, you will know what it means to feel the Bern.”
Since the virus caused the debate to go on without a live audience, it was decided to fill the seats with people who have died from it and play tapes of Americans fighting over the last rolls of toilet paper on store shelves.
Now that store shelves are empty of just about anything anyone could want or need, the coronavirus has done something our parents were never able to do; get us to eat vegetables.
Schools and businesses all across the country are closed and are forcing parents to come up with new excuses why they can’t raise their own kids. Kids who think the cafeteria food they eat at school is bad to have no idea what awaits them once they are forced to eat mom and dad’s cooking for two weeks. For those who survive, their BMI is expected to drop back down to the healthy zone.
School districts are now scrambling to come up with ways to educate kids who have to remain at home. Some have resorted to writing down assignments on those rectangular sheets of toilet paper going unused while schools are closed. As one school official said, “We will not rest until we wipe out illiteracy.”
President Trump has used executive powers to allow the DEA to go after citizens hoarding toilet paper. Anyone pulled over with more than one case of the precious commodity will be arrested for intent to sell. Meanwhile, in Mendocino County, there is plenty of hemp-based toilet paper to be had.
Finally, Donald Trump has hit the campaign trail as best he can during this crisis. While he has been forced to cancel campaign rallies, he has released his new re-election slogan which will be printed upside down on t-shirts and sold for $200.00 a shirt. The slogan reads, “I Don’t Take Responsibility At All.”
You can count on me to keep you informed and up to date as events unfold. Now if you will excuse me, I have run out of toilet paper and have to go find some leaves to rake.
Top photo is a YouTube screenshot of the debate between Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders
Jim is a life long resident of California and retired school teacher with 30 years in public education. Jim earned his BA in History from CSU Chico in 1981 and his MA in Education from Azusa Pacific University in 1994. He is also the author of Teaching The Teacher: Lessons Learned From Teaching. Jim considers himself an equal opportunity pain in the ass to any political party, group, or individual who looks to profit off of hypocrisy. When he is not pointing out the conflicting words and actions of our leaders, the NFL commissioner, or humans in general, he can be found riding his bike for hours on end while pondering his next article. Jim recently moved to Camarillo, CA after being convinced to join the witness protection program.