September Letters to Jim: Wearing White After Labor Day

Air conditioners are working overtime out west, the hatches are battened down back east, and pretty much everywhere we look, the weather is taking its toll on people. Who cares? It’s September, which means football is in bloom and cursing is at an all-time high. If all of this is not enough, school is back in session which means kids are back to being kids and mom and dad are not answering any calls from their kids’ schools.

There is a reason September is dreaded. It is enough to swap it with February and make it 28 days while adding two more to Groundhog Month. Fortunately for you, we have fan mail to distract you from your current state of misery so sit back and enjoy what is on the minds of the truly insane, my fans.

Dear Jim,
Which one of Trump’s charges is most likely to land him in prison? Will he even stand trial before next year’s election or is this nation seriously considering a criminal as their next president? I no longer know what to make of all this. Can you help?
Deeply Troubled

Dear Deeply Troubled,

I am not a legal expert of any sort and would not begin to guess which indictment is most likely to land Trump in prison.  I do believe he has two tactics at play and enough of a base of idiots to soak it up to vote for him.

The first is stalling, which he has done first by having his legal team file one motion after another, most of which are shot down like clay pigeons. The problem he has here is his legal teams have begun to run out of motions to file, so he now relies on a second tactic of firing his legal teams. This allows him to hire new teams that turn around and ask for continuances from the court so they can get up to speed with their new case.

However, judges are not stupid people, they just sometimes are appointed to their positions by stupid folks. They are onto Trump and his advisors and if they have not already, will soon run out of patience.

This leaves Trump with only one real hope; get tossed into jail before any trials. He seems to want to test the boundaries of gag orders and hopes to go too far so he lands in the pokey before ever going on trial. This will allow him one final shot at convincing the masses he is being persecuted.

I don’t even want to imagine whose ass he pulls a smuggled cell phone from so he can get on social media and rant. Just know that this theater of the absurd is nowhere near over.

Dear Jim,
You tree-hugging idiot liberal. Where are all those California fires you said would arrive in August? It’s just like you clowns to go blowing smoke where there isn’t even a lit match. Stick to what you do best, which is raise more taxes to pay for your liberal agenda. How about a 110 percent tax rate on citizens you commie pig?
A Proud American Conservative

Dear APAC,

Yes, that is APAC as in you are APAC of brainwashed stupidity.

California fires are still a very real threat until the winter rains arrive. Until then, we just get to watch half of Canada burn instead. I don’t expect you to comprehend anything about the thawing permafrost north of the border any more than you comprehend rising sea levels, dwindling rain forests, melting ice caps, or the sizable carbon footprints you seem to have stuck up your ass.

As for that 110 percent tax rate, that sounds great on all the major economic giants who hide behind tax loopholes designed for the wealthy while idiots like you happily pay extra taxes while supporting them.

Dear Jim,
Can you think of anything the younger generation does better than our generation? For the life of me, I can’t think of anything which worries me about the future. Thanks.
A Worried Man

Dear Worried,

I also worry about the future but not because of the younger generation. It is my opinion the work done by the Greatest Generation Ever has been wiped out by my generation. We are a generation of lovers of greed and hoarding and our refusal to give back to the betterment of this world is a big reason the younger generation has their work cut out. Our wealthy chase more riches to brag rather than to give back to others. They hide behind their wealth and see themselves as better and more deserving of it than any person who stands to benefit from a little thing called giving.

If the wealthy are not receiving something out of an act of kindness other than feeling good about it, they do not seem interested. They would rather drop a quarter billion and book a flight on Space X than use that money to lift others out of poverty by giving them a fair shot at a better life.

There is a much greater desire to do good for others and this planet from the younger people I talk to than anything I hear from my generation. They are not impressed by the wealth of others nearly as much as they are by their actions because they know the less the wealthy do today, the more work the young have correcting our many mistakes.

So, before you write off the future of this world because of who is inheriting it, try doing your part to leave it in better shape than it was when it became yours.

Dear Jim,
You have had dogs. What is the best way to keep ants from getting into their food without relying on chemicals? They swarm my dog’s bowl and the container we keep his food in, and we do not know what to do.
Thank you.
Dogged by Ants

Dear Dogged,

The second-best method to use is to place the dog bowl and the container of dog food onto a large tray that is filled with water. The ants will be gone in no time.

However, an even easier method is to take your dog to a local shelter and donate them his food.

You decide, but if you choose to get rid of the dog, get back to me and I will take him because you clearly can’t be a dog lover. The water trick will work.

Dear Jim,
What brand of toilet paper do you use? Is it better in the long run to buy cheaper paper or the more expensive name brands? We’re all having a big stink over this at my church volunteer club and have agreed to let you decide the matter for us
Desperate for your answer

Dear Desperate,

All answers to toilet matters can be found in The Bible if you read the Book of John.

I try to make it a policy not to promote any specific product (BTW: My Book: Teaching The Teacher: Lessons Learned From Teaching can still be purchased on Amazon), but I will say you get what you pay for when it comes to TP. Small price tags will yield you small rolls of single ply that you will need to buy in 196 packs to get through a week of a stomach bug in your house. Bigger is better. Bigger is softer. Bigger is scented. And bigger will last longer.

Your other option is to go on Amazon and buy my book, Teaching the Teacher: Lessons Learned From Teaching and when you finish with it, use it for your bathroom needs. Warning: It is a small and inexpensive book.

Dear Jim,
Given the success that Ukraine has had against the mighty Russian Army, do we have any reason to fear Russia as a military power? It seems they have proven militarily they are not near the threat they claim to be. Why fear them?
No Longer Afraid

Dear NLA,

Any nation that is in possession of as many nukes as Russia has should be a concern to us. If their war with Ukraine goes really south, are you comfortable knowing Putin has the ability to strike the enemy with nukes? If the Russian government collapses, how do you feel about their nukes ending up on the black market and falling into the hands of terrorist groups or enemy states?

It is why any war with Russia comes with a great risk to us. We rely on a stable Russian government more than we rely on what sort of government it has. We are more familiar with Putin than we are of anyone else in that nation who might ascend to become his replacement.

While it is nice reading stories of Russian defeats on the battlefield and the fierce fight from the Ukrainians, Putin is never going to walk away from this war since he has staked his legacy to its outcome. A wounded Russian Bear is far more dangerous than a happy one.

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Prediction Time: What will happen in the month of September? This one is too easy given that we know hurricanes will roar into Florida, some NFL teams will get off to shockingly bad starts while others surprise us with great beginnings to the season, and some ladies will wear white after Labor Day.

I am not interested in the easy, so I am going to go with something far more challenging. I am predicting Melania Trump will officially separate from Donald Trump and end up sending me a like via a dating website forcing me to decide whether a future with Barron’s mommy is more inviting than a one in which I remain alone.

Have a great month.