December Letters: It’s COVID all the way!

Top illustration by Tim Forkes

Eleven down and one more to go. I’m not talking about an ice cold twelve pack although I might be game for one after the year we have had.

As we enter the final month of this glorious year, the one the Chinese are referring to as the Year of the Donkey because you’d have to be an ass to think it was a wonderful year, I have some fan mail to share. This month, I strongly recommend you read it while enjoying some eggnog.

Dear Jim,
President Trump continues to claim Democrats cheated and that he won the election. At the same time, one lawsuit after another claiming voter fraud gets tossed out by the courts. What can you say to Trump’s supporters that might convince them Trump does not deserve a second term even if Democrats cheated?  

There’s not much point talking to a diehard Trump supporter. However, if I had to, I suppose I would remind him Trump claimed the 2016 election was rigged against him even though he won. If true, it is safe to assume his opponents would try the same in 2020. Why then didn’t Trump fix this problem?  He had four years to do it, and during the first two he had both houses [of Congress] and the Supreme Court to help him. Since re-election is every first term president’s highest priority, it would seem he would go to any length to eliminate the fraud he claimed almost cost him his first election.

Dear Jim,
Now that it looks like a vaccine is going to be rolled out to combat COVID-19, have you any predictions about how the vaccine will be issued?  

Obviously, those who are health care providers and first responders should have first access to the vaccine. From there, it gets interesting. The virus will have hit this nation far worse than we wanted to think possible by the time the public can become inoculated. I predict the same jerks who claimed this virus and all the hullabaloo over it was because old people were getting sick and dying will be the same people who will say old people should be the last to get vaccinated because they’re supposed to get sick and die.

Dear JIm,
Why won’t Trump concede the election?

It’s simple because he has found it profitable. Money is all that matters to this creep. By claiming he is the winner, he can ask his base to give money to him to fight his legal challenges.  Some of that money might go toward waging court fights, but I am guessing Trump has found a way to use it for his own personal enjoyment. Until the money dries up or he finds another way to make a dollar from fools, his claims will continue, and he will refuse to concede.

Dear Jim,
COVID is surging and seems out of control in many parts of the nation. How long do you think this will continue?  

Let’s see, in about two weeks, we should see a post-Thanksgiving surge thanks to all the people who chose to travel and enjoy their annual large Thanksgiving celebration. Hospitals will be slammed well beyond capacity just in time for Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa and Festivus. Once Americans are finished airing their grievances and wrestling relatives, it will be necessary for more idiots to go out and celebrate the New Year. By early January, another wave will strike, and we can expect to see refrigerated trucks packed with dead bodies outside our favorite Urgent Care centers.

By February, if any of us are still virus free, we should have no trouble getting a reservation for Valentines at our favorite restaurant so long as we do not mind eating alone while freezing our asses outdoors.

What is currently being called a surge is just the early swell of an oncoming tidal wave.

Dear Jim,
What is the most frustrating thing about COVID-19? Has it ruined your way of life?  

No. COVID has not ruined my way of life, but I have seen it wreck the lives of countless Americans.  Besides the loss of life, damage to our economy, and our growing addiction to Netflix just to keep us from going insane, COVID has brought out a level of stupidity and hypocrisy that boggles my mind.

The best example I can give you that I find frustrating involves relatives.  Every holiday season, Americans complain about having to visit with relatives they do not like. Now that we are advised not to visit with them, Americans decide they won’t be told by their government what they should do and then visit with the very people they dislike seeing.

Dear JIm,
I notice you write only one or two columns a month. Other columnists write that many each week. How do you earn money since clearly you do not write enough to earn a living?

My writing output has declined this year and thank you for noticing. There is a complex mathematical formula involved that determines how much I get paid.  I have learned that amount does not change whether I write five columns a week or one or two a month. For all I know, I am being paid not to write.

As a retired teacher, we all know I bring in well over six figures a month with my wonderful pension (remember, the numbers after the decimal point are included in that amount). Like with my writing, it seems I am richly rewarded not to teach.

I tried being a nude model for art classes only to be told they will pay me to not pose. Standup comedy did not go over so well, so now comedy clubs pay me not to attend open mic nights.

At the end of the day, I am finding it quite lucrative being paid by all these groups not to work for them. I have all the free time in the world, and it has allowed me to enjoy a lifestyle where I can afford to walk into any dollar store and not worry about whether I can afford to buy my kids a discounted birthday card.

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Until next year, keep the letters coming. I am hoping for a pay raise and the more mail I receive, the more I stand to make from LAPX not to write more often.