May 4, 2014: I am sorry if this writing is all over the place, but this is where my mind is right now. I just got off the phone with my “friend/girlfriend” a few minutes ago. She told me she is no longer in love with me and wants out of the relationship, after 20 months. I was just with her a few days ago in happiness … and now I feel like I just stuck my finger in the light socket again!
A while back I got into this relationship with this older woman, with all my charm and flaws. My bipolar was a constant monster that kept raising its ugly head. She stuck with me through the good and the bad. Over a year ago, she told me over the phone, “If you just tell me what’s going on with you, I will help you, but you have to let me know.” Now, she doesn’t want to be with me anymore, because she says we argue too much. We had one argument last week over a shopping cart at the grocery store.
The “argument” lasted about five minutes and we made-up before we even left the store. Well, apparently the argument was one of the reasons she doesn’t want to be with me anymore. I feel abandoned. I feel lost. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I wish I could go on vacation and get away from my feelings and stop hurting all the time. This woman has no idea what she has done to me. I believed in her friendship and her love. Now that it is gone, I wish this moment would start to rebuild, but this has been the biggest wound. She has tried to compare this relationship with my other relationships in the past, of how I have screwed up with all the other women.
First of all, those were “boyfriend/girlfriend” relationships; this relationship was so much more! She was not only the woman I fell deeply in love with; she was my best friend, my mentor, my writing partner, in a way, she was a mother figure to me. She is the one and only person I tell all my secrets. She told me her secrets as well.
When she talked, I listened to every word she said. I constantly told her how beautiful and hot she was and how much I loved her. I got on medication recently, after 25 years. She said she noticed a difference in me, but I guess it wasn’t good enough.
I don’t want to keep looking backwards and constantly beat myself up for all the things I’ve done in the past. I want to look forward. I know you are supposed to change for yourself, but I tried for her too, I tried to make myself a better person for her, because I loved her more than anything in this world, (and I still do.)
This relationship has had the biggest impact on me, more than anything I’ve ever felt. When it goes away because of arguments that stem from insecurity over the relationship, it is a feeling of coldness all over my body. I am heartbroken.
I tried with all my faults. I am nowhere near perfect, but I still tried with everything I had to be a better man for her and myself. I fell short … but I haven’t quit. “To thine own self be true, this too shall pass.”*
Disclaimer: This blog is not a guide for help. I am NOT a doctor, nurse, therapist or a counselor, hell; I flunked-out of junior college! I am just your average abnormal person who lives with bipolar 2.
I only say, “Get help” in the same tone I would tell a friend who has bipolar or any other mental health issue. So please, “get help.” There are people out there wanting to assist you. I hope you find all the abundance you are looking for on your journey. Thank you for reading my blog.
For more information call NDMDA Depression Hotline Support Group at (800) 826-3632, U.S. Suicide Hotline at (800) 784-2433, or contact your nearest county hospital’s mental health unit.
* “To thine own self be true, this too shall pass.”
“To thine own self be true” – Shakespeare Hamlet
“This too shall pass.” – Persian fable from the Middle Ages; used in a speech by Abraham Lincoln in 1859.
“… And baby, I hate to say it, most of them — actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can’t give up because if you give up, you’ll never find your soul mate. You’ll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you failed once, doesn’t mean you’re gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don’t, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life’s a beautiful thing and there’s so much to smile about.” – Marilyn Monroe
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All photos by Danny Keaton
Danny Keaton is a national touring comedian who lives in Los Angeles. He is also a writer, lover and a bastard with Bipolar disorder. Danny is your average person with a mental illness seeking redemption and a non-religious spiritual salvation through love and self-acceptance. Many times he is not aware when highs and lows kick in; to him it is part of his distorted reality. Check out Danny’s website at www.DannyKeatonComedy.com or follow him on www.Twitter.com/DannyKeaton