Love in a bipolar world – Inside my head back and forth

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Sure everyone has ups and downs, but for someone who has Bipolar those highs and lows can come without warning, frequently and with intensity.  My mind can sink into a murky underground, an emotional paralyzing feeling that consumes me so much I can barely move.

Within a minute, my emotions of fear and turmoil from the deepest parts below me transform into euphoria, shooting off into the ionosphere and feeling the acceleration force as I go into another high.

Other times I inflict pain upon myself because I am so angry at my actions. I wish I could just get away from me for a little bit, I guess that’s why they invented whiskey. Did you know if you drink a whole bottle of whiskey a genie will appear?

artwork by Danny KeatonMore than anything in the world, I want to change. I wish I could be whatever is considered a “normal” thinking human being. My favorite movie scene is the redemption scene in O Brother, Where Art Thou?

In the scene the scoundrel character Delmar is baptized in a creek and he believes all his sins have been washed away. It is my favorite, because I wish it was that easy. Forgiveness, acceptance and unconditional love, it seems like that is all everyone is seeking. I love life and want to squeeze the hell out of it, and not be reminded how valuable life is only when I attend a funeral.

Lately I have been reading more about Bipolar. I am curious why we like to f#*@ with ourselves so much. Are we really that self-destructive? Every time I set off another emotional pipe bomb, I always grieve in regret and curse my tongue. My darling pain is the one I inflict on myself, but the pain I offer to others is why I hate him in the mirror.

What I do to the ones I love, I would want to kill anyone else who would do the same to them. I want to live in a happy world. I am trying so hard to pave the road to nirvana but in the meantime I sprinkle little bits of fear and destruction along the path, like a bipolar fairy.  Sorry, I don’t mean to be over dramatic; I am just expressing random thoughts I have on an unpredictable occurrence.  I tried to sleep today, but I kept waking because of abstract thoughts that jolted me. I wish I was brave enough to kill myself.


The author doing stand up at the Loony Bib in Oklahoma City. (Photo by Danny Keaton)
The author doing stand up at the Loony Bib in Oklahoma City.
(Photo by Danny Keaton)

Continuation from my last post dated Dec. 27, 2013

…after two weeks of her hiding from me, I am back with her again. I walked her down to her car. As we begin to say our goodbyes, she opens her arms, and as we come together to embrace, I am overwhelmed with the reality of the moment and I began to cry on her shoulder. I am so full of regret for the pain I have caused this woman. I cannot say how sorry I am, yet this woman holds me close and comforts me.

In that moment in time, the rest of the world froze; I knew she could feel my thoughts. I asked her, “Could we spend a little more time together at your place?”  She smiles, and says yes.

Here I was back inside her doors. Just yesterday, I would have given anything to be back in her condo. We talked some more, I am clueless as to where this is leading. I almost want to go home and not ruin the already perfect night.

The next morning we dress and she takes me to work, picking me up later and bringing me back to her condo. We are drawn to each other by our magnetic allure for one another into an inescapable black hole. Neither one of us have ever experienced such intense chemistry.

Days go by as we try to ease back into a relationship.

One night at my apartment, still fully nude, she tells me, “We have to take baby steps, although what we just did wasn’t baby steps,” as she gestures to the floor where she let me inside of her again.

That was back in February of 2013, 11 months ago.  In the following days after that, my life was about to take a whole new direction, turned inside out. The biggest life change was around the corner.


Photo by Danny Keaton
Photo by Danny Keaton

I hope you have a great new year in 2014. So far this year has been the most amazing start in a long time. I performed at Hyena’s Comedy Club in Fort Worth and did the following weekend at the Dallas comedy club, and then I was homeless at the Greyhound bus station in downtown Dallas, seeking refuge for the night after having the cops called on me.  (I will not write anything else about the incident that could be used against me in a court of law.)

Great shows and great crowds, it was so much fun to work out new material and receiving great feedback from the audience. Now I am ready to get back home to Los Angeles.  I welcome any comments good or bad.


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