Mancation: Puppy Love

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After going through two sub-par dates in one night I decided to change a few key qualifications. Being 36 my dating age range is from 37-48, but I’m running across men that are out of shape, balding and divorced with 3 kids. That reminds me too much of the Ex, and I’m not looking for another fixer-upper on this Mancation.

Heading back to Tinder I lowered my dating age range — considerably. I only clicked “like” on pictures of super hot heartbreakers who were at least 6-feet tall, have a 6-pack, covered in tattoos and can legally buy me a drink.

He looked so perfect.
He looked so perfect.

While at coffee with my girlfriends (all perusing Tinder) I came across a topless 27-year-old full of tattoos. He looked yummy! But there was one problem: he had the same name as my dead dog. This was no ordinary dog – this dog was the love of my life, my true soul mate – for 14 years of my adult life.  Could I actually handle calling out my dead dog’s name during sex? Well, probably …

His rock hard abs and massive amount of tattoos were beckoning me as I hit “Like” and there was an instant connection when my inbox said “Heyyyyyy” and my heart skipped a beat.

We chatted about cars (he has a big engine), work (he owns a company and is retired), traveling (he’s been waiting for a girl like me to vacation with.)

When they sound too good to be true they usually are … so I said yes when he asked me on a date. A real date; not a coffee date or a hiking date, but a real date where he picks me up, pays for dinner, and we head out to a club for drinks. Wait — a club? Ok, if that’s where kids go these days then I’m definitely not above clubbing with a sexy young stud on a Friday night.

He asked what type of food I like to eat, called ahead and made reservations at a posh Hollywood restaurant, and even confirmed our plans. Was he my Prince Charming? I had no idea young boys had manners like that.

What a romantic!
What a romantic!

Picking me up for our date my first thought was, “Holy shit, I’ve missed out on some serious sexiness in the past few years.”

He was wearing a white t-shirt showing off his chiseled muscles and a plethora of glorious tattoos. Wow. I may never date anyone over the age of 30 again.

Arriving at the restaurant my date opened the car door, held my hand as we walked into the restaurant and told me I looked beautiful. We started talking and he seemed very smart and mature — not at all what I expected. Until Red Flag #1 reared its head:  When the waiter forgot my drink my date got angry, really angry.  He even made a comment about punching the waiter if he messed up our order … bipolar much?

Red Flag #2 appeared only moments later while I was gobbling down my tasty Red Snapper; three of his obnoxiously drunk friends crashed our date. Seriously. One of his friends even asked me for a bite! Yes, this was exactly what I assumed dating a 27-year- old would be like. But, with only two red flags he was definitely still dateable.

Our next stop was a club frequented by obnoxious celebrities like Lindsey Lohan and Miley Cirus. I kept an open mind as we were escorted in by security to “his” table.  Although his annoying friends had joined our date I could tell he had put some thought into it and it was still better than a lame coffee date with a 43-year-old talking about himself.

Because I like to ruin a good thing (he only had 2 red flags so far) I decided it would be a perfect time to let him know that he had the same name as my dead dog. And … he really didn’t seem to care.

We talked about traveling together, getting married, having kids, and spending our lives together. I’m sure when a date tells me everything I want to hear on our first date that it could be a red flag, but I like to think of it as romantic.

Red Flag #3 waited to come out until our second date. Back at the same club the next night my girlfriend and I met up with him and his friends. Everything was great as we drank and danced the night away … and then my Dead Dog Date kissed me. Those young punks sure can kiss.

Seriously, he had the two of us escorted out by security. It takes a special kind of D-bag to do that.
Seriously, he had the two of us escorted out by security. It takes a special kind of D-bag to do that.

After the kiss he said, “Should we go to your place or mine for the night?”

Really? Two dates and one kiss leads to spending the night together? I couldn’t blame him for trying, but I laughed at him and told him it doesn’t happen on a second date for me. Which is when he called security over to have my girlfriend and I escorted from the club.

Yes, that really happened. Three red flags in two nights means I’ve decided not to date anyone with the same name as my dead dog.

I might try to land another 27 year-old though …

(All photos by Jaimie Beebe)