March 25th: Waiting For Another Day

Buddhism teaches us that in order for things to reveal themselves to us, we must be prepared to abandon our views about them. When we become so set in our ways, we become rigid and are unable to bend with an ever changing world. It leads to inner turmoil that inevitably spills over to other aspects of our lives. Some people feel they have to walk on eggshells to be in your presence or simply choose to dismiss you from their lives for the sake of their own harmony.

I have witnessed my father and other family members disown loved ones due to their refusal to listen to what may be unpleasant to hear. Their “My way or the highway” approach has failed to provide them with the internal peace to their perceived threats and their determination to never change or compromise has caused them to turn their backs on family members. Their preference to cut communication weakens the family unit as a whole when they could be gaining a greater understanding of those who see things differently.

It makes no sense that in a world filled with vibrant colors for anyone to turn something into a black or white issue. Their either or approach is nothing more than the need to feel right and usually results in personal attacks they believe are justified because another person sees things differently.

Now that I am nearly finished with my TMS therapy, my clarity has decreased my stress, changed my attitude, and opened me to reflect more about how I arrived to where I was on February 10th, my first session.  Besides recognizing how badly I dropped the ball by not resuming TMS a year ago, I also understand how I failed to address  my inner self five years ago when I wrote Chronic. I was only addressing my problems with pain, depression, and fatigue at a clinical level and failed to dig deeper into who I am, or was, five years ago. I never implemented a more mindful approach to my day-to-day life. I figured if I knocked out each issue medically, I would be cured.

As I said earlier in this book, I now understand I will never be cured. My chronic conditions will always be there in some form, but if I change how I see them, less as a problem and more as an opportunity, I become better equipped to deal with each one moving forward. I can either remain rigid while nothing improves or I can accept this is the hand I have been dealt and go about seeing how well I can play it.

Some days I may simply fold. Other days I may bluff my way through. But if most days I see what I have and worry less about what I may or may not be up against, I will remain in a much better place mentally and physically. Every day can be an opportunity to find out what I can do for myself and for others, or be an excuse to give up. It’s my choice.

Today’s weather is what makes Chico such a wonderful place to live. Blue sky as far as the eyes can see, trees in bloom, and temperatures in the low 80’s. There was a time, not all that long ago, I would not be happy because as nice as it is outside, my days were consumed with appointments. However, I appreciate now how each appointment has been a gift rather than a curse.

Another long physical therapy session told me I am making great progress on the issues that drove me there. It’s helped me realize I will continue to have things to work on, but the exercises I will need to make a regular part of my life will serve me well in the long run. It makes missing a day working in my garden worth it.

I always enjoy going to TMS and know it has provided me with a much needed brain reset. Getting to know Vicki in the process has been an added bonus. Whether she sees it the same way is not nearly as important as knowing I feel I am in a much better place in life to be willing to risk putting myself out there for someone else. When I arrived home, the gift idea I came up with arrived so I will be able to leave her with a little something that lets her know  I hope we can continue to get to know one another better.

Khalil Gibran said, “And God said, ‘Love your enemy,’ and I obeyed him and loved myself.”

I can look back on my life and see how much I struggled to love myself. It began early in life, but I chose to continue reinforcing it as an adult. It takes years, in my case decades, to unlearn. How we are loved when we are young will influence how we perceive how our partner should love us. It also influences how people like our bosses, colleagues, friends, and enemies treat us.

However, it also influenced how I treated them and how I pulled back from commitments due to the lack of trust I developed from a father who practiced conditional love. But as I said before, there comes a point in life when once you realize the root cause of a behavior, you must choose between changing it or accepting who you think you are. If you see yourself as unworthy of being loved, you will never get to find out you are wrong. I see now it was never about me not being worthy of love, it was about a father who was too afraid to express his feelings.

As I am writing this, my daughter Hannah is getting married in Brooklyn in a very tiny ceremony. She and Nic have found a way to toss aside one of life’s foundations and create for themselves the sort of wedding experience best suited for them. The more we find ways to keep life simple, the more we have to be thankful for.

Watching the video of their ceremony and listening to them express their commitment to each other made me see just how well suited they are for one another. They took their time to arrive at this day and relied on more than just love to get to marriage. There is a trust in each other and willingness to lift the other in times of need that they share. They have built a friendship that is vital in any solid relationship.

March 26th: Fear of the Unknown

Thich Nhat Hanh said, “People have a hard time of letting go of their suffering. Out of fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar.” He sums up both depression and anxiety’s vicious cycles. When you can’t let go of the past, whether it was joyful or harmful, you are unable to remain present and see all you have. You go through life constantly looking backward.

Your past joy may be what prevents you from seeing any current joy if you tell yourself nothing can live up to what once was. Your trauma can prevent you from trusting the present and seeing all that life offers. Either way, you end up depressed because of something long gone. It’s why letting go must be a constant choice because it allows you the room to appreciate present opportunities.

When you are anxious about what might lie ahead, again, whether good or negative, you fail to live in the moment. Think of children who are so worked up about Christmas coming and all the gifts they hope to open only to be unable to enjoy each day until its arrival. Some end up disappointed after opening their gifts because they fail to see what they received because they only know what they did not get.

Have you ever been so anxious over an upcoming meeting only to realize after it ends it was just a waste of your time? Have you been so fearful of what you think might be a coming storm only to realize you spent a lot of energy worrying about very little? The future is often not any more accurate than the weather forecast. It gets us worked up only to let us down and we are left kicking ourselves for allowing it to control our thinking or actions.

What’s happened is over and what will happen is unknown. What is certain is now. Every human is a shell of energy, but we do not have endless amounts of it. How much energy do you expend looking backward or worrying about what may or may not happen?

Having coached a lot of sports, I often tried taking on the role of energy user to conserve my players’ limited resources. I urged players to put each play, each possession, or each game behind them while constantly running my brain over all the possibilities we may have to confront later. It was my job to consider the next play, the next possession, the next game. It was on me to have contingency plans for my contingency plans so my players could just focus on what was in front of them. It’s no wonder I rarely enjoyed our victories because I was constantly looking out for what was next.

Life is much easier and more enjoyable when we realize there is only the present. How we respond to what happens is more important than thinking about all that could happen. Letting go of what’s unfolded is better than allowing it to hold you back. As Rumi said, “The art of knowing is knowing what to ignore.” Buddhism emphasizes that happiness is never enjoyed when we fail to see what we have.

If you desire a life of peace, you must be at peace internally. The Dalai Lama said it best, “We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.” This requires us to constantly let go of the thoughts that hold us back. However, it does not mean living in a permanent state of denial. It simply means you are able to recognize your thinking and know how to keep it from preventing you from appreciating what is unfolding before you. It also means being kind to yourself first so you are free to be kind to others. To live in constant judgement of what has or might happen is to take on the role of the great overseer of life only to fail at missing life in front of you.

A calm mind is a more energized mind. As Marcus Aurelius stated, “The nearer a man comes to a calm mind, the closer he is to strength.” We sleep better when calm. “Sleeping is the best meditation,” according to the Dalai Lama. How well do you sleep when thinking prevents you from calming down and resting? When you worry, you just end up worshipping the problem. Or as Eckhart Tolle said, “Worry pretends to be necessary but serves no useful purpose.”

Life is now, not then and not what lies ahead. Huangbo Xiyun made it very simple when he said, “Here it is — right now. Start thinking about it and you miss it.” You can worry about life or you can  be present.

In the words of Yoga Vashistha, “Between two thoughts is an interval of no thought. That interval is the SELF, the Atman. It is pure awareness only.” We only think about two concepts, the past or the future. Why are you worrying? It’s either because it has already happened or it is something you fear might happen. How you respond in the moment is presence. Let go and live.

Adyashanti stated, “If we would only see that all limitations are self-imposed and chosen from fear, we would leap at once into the arms of grace, no matter how fierce that embrace might be.” We need to learn to delineate between real and imagined fear. When two extremely large dogs cornered Bug and I during a walk a couple of months ago, that was a real fear. There was no warning. They came out of nowhere. In those moments, we feared for our safety and were fortunate to get out of the situation unharmed.

Imagined fear is the manner in which many of our politicians campaign for office. They are much less likely to take a firm stand on a position they could be held accountable for than they are to paint a picture of what we should fear if we vote for their opponent. They scare you into voting for someone who makes no promises other than not being the impending doom they claim their opponent is. Our fears are unfounded and end up dividing our nation rather than uniting it. No wonder so little is accomplished by elected leaders.

We have seen enough examples where something horrible changes another person’s life for the worst to think that at any moment something bad can happen to ourselves. However, that fear makes us forget that at any given moment something fantastic can happen as well. We end up proving ourselves right in either case because we reap what we sow. If we sow fear, anxiousness, and worry, sure enough, we get them in droves.

This morning, before heading to my chiropractor, I decided to stop and pick up bananas. Winco is right on the way but I decided not to deal with the parking lot and long lines for one item. Instead, I pulled into WalMart and grabbed some bananas and then checked out what else they might have that I could use. After checking out most of the store, I remembered they might carry a Bosu Ball for use in my gym.

While I searched their fitness shelves, I saw a woman who was having trouble deciding what to use at home for exercise. When I showed her all the uses of a set of exercise tubing and the different attachments it came with along with the poster filled with exercises, she thanked me and grabbed a box.

Seven weeks ago, I was too miserable to stop at WalMart let alone want to help someone. My blinders would have been on and the woman probably never would have made any purchase. I can’t tell you how many times my pain, fatigue, or depression has kept me from not just being kinder to myself, but also from being able to help others. I paid the same amount for my bananas but walked out feeling good about someone thanking me for offering my help.

This is the difference that TMS has made along with unlearning some old ways. Changing habits or unlearning is work. However, maintaining a better perspective is a choice. As Nisargatta said, “Watch your thoughts and watch yourself watching your thoughts.” Complacency only leads to downfalls. When we continually strive to seek our best self, we inevitably end up helping the external world in the process.

One of the things I appreciate about Buddhism is it creates such wonderful visuals that remain in my mind. When you visualize life as an echo, we understand what we send out is returned to us. What we sow is also what we reap. How we view others is also how we view ourselves. When we begin by seeing, feeling, and believing in the best of ourselves, we set ourselves up to prove ourselves right. If we live our lives fearing rejection, feeling unworthy of love, or fail to treat ourselves kindly, we create our own world of self-imprisonment. We become so deeply identified with that world that we fail to see we hold the only key that can unlock the prison cell we call our life.

In another 48 hours, I will be finished with TMS and then the unknown awaits. My guess is my life will continue like all others in that it will be a series of ups and downs to navigate. What is unknown is how I handle life. To succeed at turning my challenges around, I will need to continue working less at the big picture and more on what is now.

Five years ago, there was no way I could have predicted how my life would unfold. Today, I just assume I have no idea what lies ahead and work more on what is now. Today is what matters and how it turns out depends entirely on how I choose to respond to all of its constant changes.

However, this does not mean I can live irresponsibly or without making decisions today and expect them to reward me down the road. If I continue to be responsible with my money, I decrease the odds of being in financial dire straits five years from now. By choosing now to live as healthy as I know, I decrease my odds of major illness.

Still, I can do those things and I know life might not go as I thought it would. It only makes sense then to continue working on a better me if I want to increase my chances of a happier life later. The best way of ensuring that is by starting with today and making the choices that increase my odds of a great day.

Running has always been my drug of choice. Somehow I learned through the rhythmic movement and consistent breathing of a good run I would be rewarded with a rush of dopamine after and get what we call a “Runner’s High.” The reward of running was not just being present and clear of mind, but also the much needed chemical release I received after to ward off my depression or anxiety.

As TMS nears completion, it becomes vital I continue training my mind, not just so I remain present, but so when challenges present themselves, I am mentally better equipped to deal with them. I am not about to fool myself and think I have found the answer to my chronic challenges because, like I said earlier, there are no cures.

There are, however, opportunities, options, and the understanding that all challenges are temporary. Pema Chodron sums up what I must do, “Remember that this is not something we do just once or twice. Interrupting our destructive habits and awakening our heart is the work of a lifetime.”

Osho once said, “This is strange. Man wants everything permanent for this temporary life.” To seek a cure is to seek permanence. To embrace the challenge is to seek opportunity. By embracing myself, I am equipping myself with the tools needed to embrace whatever lies ahead.

March 27th: Freedom

I thought tomorrow was my final session of TMS but realized I have my final session on Monday of next week. It provides me a full weekend to contemplate my goodbye to Vicki and what to write on the card I have for her. Inside the card are coasters that feature her favorite beer, Red Seal Ale. I also plan to let her know I would enjoy getting to see more of her, but I am also aware she has a lot on her plate caring for her mom without the help from others. She may not have the time or the desire to date anyone given how busy she is.

During our darkest times, we learn who is and is not there for us. It makes us rethink who we want in our lives once life returns to normal. I may not understand exactly what Vicki is dealing with on the work end, but I want her to know at the very least, she has a friend to lean on and someone willing to help like I found out these past couple of years from my struggles.

This was my final day of pulling double duty with appointments. Before TMS, I had another physical therapy session. Each of the therapists were pretty busy and they only had one assistant to help all of them so I decided to take it upon myself to lighten their loads by taking myself from one exercise to the next. It gave them time to focus on their other patients and the assistant had one less person to help set up exercise stations for.

1. Krishnamurti said, “It is truth that liberates, not your effort to be free.” It’s true. In the past, when going through TMS, physical therapy, or separations and divorce, I have put in a lot of effort trying to make sense of WHY I was in the situation I was in. I thought in order for me to make peace with things, it was vital for me to understand why some people did things that caused me great pain or trauma. My failure was not trying to understand why I arrived where I was. I walked away from each situation with a better grasp about others while failing to adequately address the only truth I needed.

Over the last seven weeks, I have tried ignoring past events and people while focusing on my true self. I have looked closely at the person I was in order to learn who I really am at my core. Deep inside, I have always been restless. While I have never been nomadic and desired to see the world, I understand now that I have been trying to see who I am. I think of a line from the film The Great Santini where Robert Duvall’s character claims to be an enigma and likes it that way.

I might also be an enigma, but unlike the person Duvall played, Bull Meecham, I just want to like and accept who I am because I prefer to be at peace with myself instead of constantly at war. I also know that by the time people read this, I will not be who I currently am because life constantly changes.

Perhaps the day will come when I arrive, when I become that interval between two thoughts. For now, the work that lies ahead for me is going to center around remaining present and embracing the qualities that add to the lives of others as much as they add to my own. I do not seek miracles. Instead, I choose to remain open to all possibilities.

As Thich Nhat Hanh said, “Breathing in, I have become space without boundaries. I have no plans left. I have no luggage. Breathing out, I am the moon that is sailing through the sky of utmost emptiness. I am freedom.”

March 28th: Seven Weeks

This morning I woke up from a dream that as I think about it was all about letting go. I was swimming in the ocean and there was a very rough surf with an unusual quality about it. The massive waves were not slamming into the shore. Instead, they were originating from the beach and heading out to sea.

With each wave’s arrival, I dove down deep so the wave’s force could not grab hold of me. When I swam back to the surface, I scoured the ocean and noticed people from my past carried further out to see before looking toward the beach and seeing the next wave forming. A little while later, the waves disappeared and the sea became calm. I seemed to have two choices. I could swim out to where my past was just swept away or toward a future where I had no idea what awaited.

It was then I noticed floating next to me a wallet with nothing inside but two separate forms of identification. The first was my old student ID card from when I was a student at Chico State. The other was a generic card with only my name and date of birth but no address or photo. It was at this moment I realized I had a third choice.

I left the belongings in the water and rolled onto my back and began floating. The calm water was warm and soothing, the sun shined down brightly, and there was no noise to be heard. I made the choice to stay present and soak in everything I had in that moment. My troubles were gone, worries did not exist, I was in the moment and allowing life to happen.

Perhaps some of my past will make it back to shore and who knows what the future holds for any of us? At that moment, it did not matter. I did not need to know why all of this just unfolded. There was no urgency to know what was in store. I was calm knowing the storms I have lived through are gone and any that might await me are not here now. I have time to breathe, process, let go, and most of all, live on my terms.

No matter what the outside world wants us to believe, we all have the ability to live on our own terms. We each have the power to affect change simply by the choices we make. We can follow the crowds in an effort to fit in only to feel frustrated, angry, alone or depressed about the world we live in. However, we can also choose to be our true selves and live the lives we truly desire.

Unlike what Forrest Gump claimed, life is not like a box of chocolates. It’s about whether we choose to be placed inside any of life’s boxes or go with the flow and live in the moment. That moment might require letting go of people, places or events out of our control and in their place embrace what naturally comes our way.

For the kid who spends seven weeks anticipating the arrival of Christmas, that time feels like an eternity. For the adult stuck in a dead end job, seven weeks can feel boring and pointless. For the awakened mind, seven weeks is not a consideration. It has either been let go because it has already happened or not thought about because it is a long way off. Seven weeks has a way of taking care of itself as long as you take care of yourself. Realize the control you have over your life with every choice you make rather than focus on the power you hand over to others to make decisions for you. You can live your life on your terms or accept being a pawn for someone else.

Seven weeks ago, I made the choice to undergo TMS therapy. I also made the choice to examine myself more deeply, to get to know who I am at my core, and to better understand what will work for me to remain that person. I am not who I once was nor am I who I will be in the future. I just am. This did not happen to me earlier in life because I was not ready. You will know when you are ready to examine your true self and why you have arrived to the present. You will see it is not the fault or result of others. You will understand it is natural to grow and change as everything else does in life. You will want to ask for help when it is needed and embrace others who need help from you. You will realize, remaining present is the only way to live and the manner which works best for you is the only way to be true to yourself.

In the world of professional cycling, there are three grand tours, each lasting three weeks. The Giro, The Tour de France, and the Vuelta each include twenty-one days of racing over some of the most grueling mountain passes as well as beautiful landscapes in Europe. Typically, the penultimate stage of each race is its most difficult stage and is often filled with over 15,000 feet of climbing with narrow and steep descents in between. Racers are spent before the stage begins and somewhere between five and six hours after racing, they reach a level of fatigue most of us can’t even imagine.

Today is my penultimate session of TMS and it should be no more challenging than the previous 33 sessions or my final one on Monday. As I began my first session, I was drowning in life. I could not sleep without thinking about lying in the middle of a road near death. My brain was pelting me with rapid fire thoughts, none of which I could hold onto. My depression had me questioning whether life as it became was something worth continuing. My pain was crippling, both physically and emotionally. My best was long gone and my future seemed bleak.

On top of this, I felt like a total failure for allowing myself into the predicament I called my life. I was second guessing my move to Chico and wondering if I might be better off just selling my home and heading back south where there was a system of medical care in place better suited for me. If so, was I up for another move after four previous moves in two years? I was piling up so much emotional crap and trying to bury it from myself that I refused to own up to what were two overdoses. I fell back into old habits and told people I was great, or good, or well, while downing beer to heighten the effect of pain meds. I had life under control as far as others were concerned until one day when I could no longer lie to myself. I needed help.

Not wanting to burden others, I made my own call and was able to get set up for TMS. I still remember that call and wondering if I was just wasting my time chasing a cure I no longer thought possible. But then I asked that same question I always have asked others, “Why?” Why was it I thought a cure was not possible? Why am I unable to be at peace with my situation?

From there, I told myself that if all I did was repeat TMS, I was only postponing a much worse crash that was bound to be very ugly. I needed to find a path to inner peace. Since more traditional western pursuits like Christianity and self-help gurus with something to sell have never appealed to me, I turned back to the only thing I have ever found any level of peace from, Buddhism. This led me to opening my mind to the teachings of more than just great Buddhist thinkers and I began filling journals with quotes that resonate with me.

I still consider myself a man of no religion, someone who finds truths in many forms and have tried sharing some of them with you. Along the way, I have learned the biggest battle I have fought in life, and I have fought plenty, has been with myself. But through Buddhism I realize that if I can be my worst enemy then I am also able to be my best friend. I had to break up with myself if I was going to learn to truly appreciate who I am and all I am blessed with. This has required me to let go of a past that has weighed me down and worn me out. It also has required me to take a more of a laissez faire approach toward the future.

=Still, I am not so full of myself that I think I have all the answers to life. I have none. What I have learned is to stop worrying about knowing the questions in order to go about finding the answers because doing so causes me to miss the here and now. I am no more powerful, richer, stronger, or smarter than I was seven weeks ago. What I am, however, is much lighter as a result of letting go of what no longer matters. This is what will allow me the space to continue working daily on being my best self so that perhaps I can make more of a difference to others. It has taken me over 66 years to lose myself, but hopefully only seven weeks to find who I am capable of being. Time will tell.

My favorite band of all time is Fleetwood Mac. They have an endless number of songs that have spoken volumes to me. My favorite Christine McVie song is one she wrote before the band became mega stars and is about both loss and hope. It also carries the same title of my favorite question to ask, “Why?”

Its opening verse really gets to the core of what I have been experiencing.

“There’s no use in crying, it’s all over
And I know there will always be another day
Well my heart will rise up with the morning sun
And the hurt I feel will simply melt away.”

Seven weeks ago, my heart was not rising and my pain, physical and emotional, stopped melting. Getting up was a struggle and remaining up was a bigger one. I was feeling directionless and questioning what, if any, purpose I had. I felt empty inside. No self-pity or victimization, just emptiness. No sadness, no joy, just flat. Why?

Why is my life like this? Why have I not found a cure? Why did I come to Chico? Why can’t I move forward? Why does my past haunt me?

Today, even though those questions might pop up now and then, I remind myself that the answers are unimportant. By learning to let go of the questions, I am able to remain present and more mindful of all I have, of all the world’s offerings, and all the good fortune that comes my way. The answers to all our questions only disappear once we stop asking them. Happiness arrives once we learn to just be and experience each moment as a singular life force and remaining grateful.

There will always be another day, even if I drop dead today, because the imprint on this world I choose to leave behind every moment takes on a life of its own. My energy, my lessons learned, and my very being are every bit as inheritable as any money I leave behind and has far more lasting use.

My penultimate stage of TMS may be today, but my finish line is as far away as the edge of the Universe. Where I go after TMS ends, where I go when I pass from this existence to the next, and where I continue going will be steps toward my constant growth. I have no worry where those places will take me as I have no more questions about where I have been. I am here. I am now. I am present.