Mancation: It’s not OK, Cupid

Certain people have a tendency go back and forth after a break up, not really sure if they’re ready to finally pull the plug.

I need to be honest with my dear, loyal readers; I went back to okcupid. I’m not sure why. I don’t want to blame John Cusack for not tweeting me yet … But I was feeling lonely and okcupid was there; it just happened.  I’ve been reading profiles and perusing pictures in hopes that some of those old feelings would come back.

I had renewed hope in this relationship as I typed in my old password, but that was soon diminished when I read the messages from all the Meandering Mathews that had arrived in my absence.

Obviously I’m not a dating expert (hence Mancation) but I do know a few things about what women like, and the shitty pick up lines men use.

How is it that a 28-year old is a “younger man” to a 36-year old woman? Next time I meet a guy in his 40’s I’m going to ask him if he’s into younger women and then tell him I’m 36. Also, when a “younger guy” asks if I’m open to “a fun and casual,” I can only assume he wants to have a fun wedding and some casual children …

I know it’s hard to come up with a great line on okcupid, so some guys go for the simple approach: your name and something about yourself:

“Hi! Nice to meet you.”

“My name is Fabulous Fred and I have 6 kids.”

“Hey, how’s your weekend?”

“I’m Buzzkill Barry and I drive a Lamborghini.”

But “I am a firefighter with long hair” only makes me want to hash tag your ass #longhairdontcare

The wrong end of the spectrum from the simple approach is the “deep thinker”.  Honestly, I’m picking dates based on their height and number of tattoos; the depths of my soul would drown in a coffee cup. And the guy that wants me to hold him the way I hold my dogs has his own set of issues.

I realize it’s the age of technology and texting, but when writing a note to a woman you don’t know, certain grammatical rules should still apply.  “u” is actually spelled “you.” most people capitalize the beginning of a sentence and speling errers can easily b corectted using spel chek. Seriously, put some effort into it!

And guys, your selfies are horrible enough, but a photo with a strange or dead animal is wrong on every level. Don’t do it.

On a side note … Bathtub Bob is still better than a rubber ducky at bath time and we’ve been FaceTime tubbing so much that I’m surprised I haven’t grown fins …

Help a girl out and tweet @johncusack to let him know I’m not crazy @jaimiebeebe and we’d make a cute couple! Stalk me on Instagram (FeatherGirl77) because I like the attention.